I never saw myself as old enough to mentor other women. But last night, after I was asked this question, I realized I was quickly moving from the one who is always mentored to somewhere in the middle. The one who is continually being mentored, but also beginning to mentor others.
The conversation began suddenly, with a 22 year old girlfriend of one of my Husband's friends. We had met a few times before, but always casual settings, a holiday party, kayaking, etc. This time it was 3 AM on New Year's morning in my kitchen while I was holding the toddler in my arms as she slept.
She asked how long we had been together. "Going on...12 years?" I was rather shocked myself when the words came from my mouth. How could that be right? I had to add the years up. Sure enough. It was correct. I began to look back and think, "How could it be 12 years?" I kind of lost myself in thought, but ultimately came back when I heard her next question. "How do you guys keep it....." *Uh Oh. Where is this question going? "How do you guys keep it together?" Whew, not what I thought she was going to ask!
I get why she asked. She came into my home, which was very clean (that evening) and complete with running diffusers and a cheese and cracker platter neatly put together on the kitchen table. The air smelled like the ham cooking in the crockpot on the counter. My Husband put his arm around me, gave me a kiss, and told me thank you for helping him host this party. She went down to our newly finished basement covered in nerd decor, and we played games all night. The kids behaved very well, up until crash time at 3 o'clock. This sounds familiar doesn't it? Go to someone's home, see it at its finest, and wish you could attain that level of perfection.
What she didn't see was how many hours we spent wrangling the kids while shopping and how I rushed anound the house cleaning just minutes before they got there. She didn't see us frantically hanging up the posters we had been meaning to hang up for weeks and arguing about the way they should look just an hour before. And she definitely didn't see me begging a headstrong toddler to take her nap so that she wouldn't melt down at 9 PM!
And that is how I knew what I needed to say.
"We don't. We don't always keep it together. Things are great right now. And over the last 12 years, we have made a lot of strides in our relationship. We have both grown as Husband and Wife and definitely as parents. But what you see on Facebook, what you see at social gatherings is only one side of it. You didn't know me when I fought to smile through it when I thought our marriage was over. You weren't there when we were teenagers and making stupid choices. You weren't there when I screamed at him in the basement in front of all our friends, "If you can't stop the drinking, I'm out!" You weren't there when I couldn't stop cleaning long enough to feed my family. You weren't there when I was dealing with anger. You weren't there when there was a spiritual disconnect between the two of us. You weren't there when we could barely pay the bills. You weren't there when we both shed tears because we thought we would never have more children. You weren't there when we finally did have another baby and all she did was cry, leaving us exhausted beyond what we ever imagined possible, wondering how we will ever be able to balance two kids. I can't tell you how many times anxiety has been our downfall. I can't tell you how many petty arguments we had before we realized they did no good. You don't see how we are still working out our relationship with each other and how that looks in conjunction with our relationahip with God. All you see is this. And you go home and think that this is how it must always be for us, but it isn't. Nobody is perfect. No relationship or family is perfect. And you won't always be where you are now. You will grow as a person and if you get married, you guys will grow together as well."
I don't know if it helped her any at all to hear it, but I know I needed to. I think sometimes we all need to. Since Little S was born, I take pride in even the chaotic days, because it means I am a Mom, and I get to experience the blessings as well as the hard times that create growth. But sometimes still, I look at my friends with 5 kids, a sweet Husband, and a spotless house, and I wonder...how they keep it all together?
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