One Step Closer

I hate the Internet. 

I really do.

From the very beginning, I have had to make it a point not to scroll...on Pinterest. Not to be active on Instagram. And definitely stay off of Facebook. 

But when I do....

I always feel about this big. 🤏

Why? 

Because I see all the Moms with so many kids. The videos where they have them walk in a line to show you that they have not 5, not 6, not 7,8, but 9 VERY well dressed kids in their beautiful house. 

Meanwhile, my heart refuses to be content with 2. 

Or the videos that show the crunchy Moms who spend their days on the farm and buy bonnets and pioneer dresses for their 4 sweet girls and little boy, showing clips of them dancing around the meadows and gathering flowers by the creek. 

Meanwhile, my heart refuses to be content with our 3/4 acres inside the city limits of our small town. 

Oh, and the videos of people teaching their children hand crafts Charlotte Mason style with a small beeswax candle burning in the background. 

Meanwhile, I couldn't do hand crafts to save my life. 

Or the videos of women who have a new born, sharing about their birth story, and how quiet and serene and lovely it was. 

Meanwhile, I screamed for the last 6 hours straight and then almost died with my last one. 

How about the husband who looks like he spends 80% of his time doting on his wife? 

Well....Come on. We know that's not true. 

Oh, those ungrateful dark areas of my heart that just refuse to be content with what I have. Lord, scrape my heart clean and start anew. 

Things don't have to look the way they look in videos. My heart, however, does have a longing for a simpler life. A life focused on what matters. And we got them one step closer. And if we got them just one step closer to breaking the generational cycle, I would say it's a win.

Whoever Marries My Firstborn

It hit me last Tuesday that my almost 15 year old does talk to boys. I have always known. She is very open with me. But the boys she talks to at church are 3 to 4 years older and more mature, so I know they are just friends. So I guess what hit me was that there are boys who might want to be actual good friends with her or date her. Most of her guy friends are in her drama group. We meet in passing and they yell, "Sam's Mom!!!" And wave and clap when I drive through to pick her up. But that's about it. 

This past week we had several end of the year activities, and I got a good glimpse of her interactions. (I so often just tell her to go have fun and leave her alone while I mingle, help set up, or take care of Little S.) They were innocent enough, but this boy kept trying to get her to go to a weekly teen event that he attends. He made comments about how he thinks she would do well on chorus, etc. Incredibly nice kid. I know his Mom, and we have all been in the same homeschool group for over 10 years. But something hit different this time, and I thought, "She has no idea he might have a crush on her." 

THEN I thought. 

She has grown so much. She is really, truly mature. Not in just a teenage way, but almost in a young adult way. (She isn't quite there, but well on her way.) 

She has grown to learn so much. About the Bible. About God. And when she has questions, she asks them in such a way that they are well thought out. 

She knows sophisticated things that I never knew as a teen and some that I don't necessarily know now, like the names or each dress style, what colors pair well with what skin tones, how to swing dance, Waltz, do the Promanade....how to properly address and interact with someone for a variety of social situations (whether it be in letter, phone call, professional in person meeting, etc.) 

THEN I thought....Whoever marries my girl will have to be one incredible guy. 

I'm not a good enough writer to put into words how amazing she is, how mature she is, how talented she is, how beautiful she is-and she doesn't even know it. 

I pray often for the Lord to send her a Godly man who loves her like Christ loves the church. That he would send her someone who is a true leader in their household and will protect her. Someone who loves their children fiercely and brings them up to be God honoring children. 

We are in a world where those guys are few and far between, but I pray she is patient enough to find one. 

My Heart

My heart is never so full as it is when there is a car full of kids. 

When there are 5 of them surrounding the kitchen table. 

When there are 7 running and playing outside in our backyard. 

When we have 3 extras on the way to church or 2 extra just spending the night. 

My heart soars when we are asked to babysit over night or even just for the evening. 

For that little bit of time, my house is just a tad fuller than before, but my heart is bursting. 

My heart is never so full as it is when the warm weather comes and we venture to the creek down the road or Farmer's Lake. 

"LINE UP, DUCKLINGS!" is how the saying goes. I spend my morning making 5 lunches, packing 5 water bottles, and 5 towels. (These days, actually, they pack their own.) 

Outshine bars, hammocks, and kayaks are but a few things God has blessed us with to have for these kids. 

My heart is never so full until I have them all with me. Swapping kids back and forth. "Mom is coming to get this one, but Dad is dropping off his off, and then we are headed to pick up one of their friends after that."

God made me with these children in mind and he inclined my heart toward them. 

But all good and beautiful things must come to an end. My heart walks outside my body in the form of 2 sweet girls, and they are being taken far away again. Words can not express the depths of my sorrow to see them leave and the worry I am having to release. I'm trying to remain thankful for the 2 sweet girls that are mine by birth, but nothing will be the same again. 

If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would love them anyway. I have no regrets. Our time was well spent laughing, playing, making memories, and learning about God. 

I am quite thankful for the years I've had to love them. No matter how far they are, that will never stop. They have changed me in ways they will never know, immeasurable ways for the better. My heart was never as full as it was that cold February day when God brought them into our lives. 

Just days after I told my Husband I didn't know what we were thinking having a second child. Just months into my exhaustion-feeling like a new mom all over again. And just one short year after becoming a mom of 2, God gifted us with 3 and 4. I didn't know that's what they would be, but that is exactly what they have become. 

And just so we are clear-If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would love them anyway.

 

15 Years Looks Good on Us

 I entered this one, this anniversary, weary. 

I believe apathetic is the word I used. 

Tired of dragging you up the hill just to watch you slide back down. 

I'd had enough. 

And when I've had enough, a switch just flips inside of me. It's like it doesn't bother me....until it does. 

So I told you. I said I wouldn't do this anymore. And I meant it.  

And you did something. 

It was the beginning of a series of battles to get where we need to be. And stay. It has been hard, but worth it. 

15 years looks good on us because we fought through this one and came out on the other side. A very wise mentor once told me, "If you are in the same place with God when the new year comes, and you haven't grown any, there's a problem." I'd say the same applies in marriage. 

You have grown, and I have grown this year.  15 years looks good on us. We earned it.  

I love that we still love to be together.  I love that time flies by.

 I love all the things we do together, just us and with the kids.  From the very first time we went hiking, camped, or played disc golf, to the last time we explored a new town.  

I love that you call me on your way home from work, even though it's right down the road. I love that you always want to go to the store with me, especially on our midnight runs for ice cream.  

15 years looks good on us when we are working on the deck, cars, or even boats. You are the muscles and I hand you tools.... from 9 at night to 1 in the morning.

15 years looks good on us.  While it isn't what I pictured, I have learned pictures can blind and deceive. Sometimes you have to start all over and rebuild the foundation, which is just what we have done.  The first 14 years with you were a blessing. We have always been a good team, but I am thankful for this 15th year to get where we need to be. 

Just a few short weeks to 16. How do we have a highschooler? Hope have we made it this far? Only by the grace of God who I know is bringing greater things.  

The One Who Made Me a Mom

This sweet face.

The one who made me a Mom....

She turned 13 today. 

This kid right here. 

I love everything about her. 

Even her faults. 

She is the kindest, funniest, and most interesting kid I've ever met. 

Okay. Maybe I'm biased. 

But honestly, I enjoy almost every minute I have with this kid....and we spend almost all our minutes together. 

When I had her, I never considered the fact that I would one day have a teenager. But here she stands. 

We have spent the last 13 years of her life praying, cuddling, laughing, watching our favorite shows, learning, baking, reading good books, taking nature walks, riding bikes, researching her passions, serving, traveling, and participating in community together. 

When I look at her and hear her talk, I know she has grown. So much. But I still see how, in so many ways, she is little. 

The night of her 13th birthday, a friend-who is 15-came home with her from HSP and spent the night. They spent from 10 PM-Midnight playing restaurant with Little S. Man, I love to see the creativity. The menu on the marker board. The costumes. The music they put on in the background. The acting. And I'm glad it isn't over. I am so glad to still have my little girl, even though she is officially considered by our culture to be a "teen." 

I love that kid. I have spent a lot of time getting to know her. And her style. And her likes and dislikes. I love how unique she is and how she doesn't care what others think. She loves festive earrings and funky shoes. She loves to wear a bandana in her hair, but she doesn't like makeup. She is kind, but she struggles to be so. 

She has so many aspirations once she is done with school. She has considered her own business. She's considered unique teaching roles. But most recently she has decided she feels called to be a missionary in Mexico, so she is hard at work trying to learn Spanish, and her Bible of course. She definitely doesn't think she will be permanently leaving home as soon as she is 18, and to be honest, we are okay with that. My Husband and I both love the idea of a multi generation family living under one roof. So we shall see. (We may need to get a bigger house if we are going to do that.) 

So here's to the one who made me a Mom. My first official teen. My child. Sam. 

Our Feet Will Be Dirty Together

I haven't always loved my Husband. 

Is that a weird thing to say or is it normal? 

I feel like we fell in and out of love for the first several years of marriage. 

We just barreled through because we didn't want a divorce. 

Neither of us knew how to do it alone. 

But there was a whole year where I couldn't bare to even look at him. 

Legitimately. 

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Now I have never loved him more than I have the past two years. 

And I know there will be tough years and struggles, but those early days-they are behind us.

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Last week, after a long day of building the coop and working on the truck together, we lay down on the bed drenched in sweat. It was 2 AM and all the kids were asleep. And there we were, with our grease covered feet poking over the edge of the bed-the baby pushing us both two one side of the bed. I was tired and felt disgusting, but I was content, because our feet were dirty together. 

And I am reminded that over all these years, we have not grown apart-but together. 

Our hobbies, our passions, our callings. 

Then I remember what first drew us together.

It was God. He lead this marriage from the start. 

As we shared what we felt were God's callings on our lives at only 14 and 15 years old....I had not idea the twists and turns it would take us to get here. 

June 1st marked 13 years together and I have never felt so heavy the calling of God on our lives and our marriage. There is something about having God in the middle of our relationship that makes me love like I never have before. 

A kind of love that makes me want to wash the dirty feet of my Husband. 

What They Will Remember....

I hope that when my girls are grown there will be some things they look back on and cherish, things that they will remember and want to tell their children. Samantha has spent more years experiencing these things, but Sara is growing up in the  middle of it all. And I am so thankful that over the years, we have been able to learn what it looks like to model our most important values.

I hope they will remember....

-God. I hope that they will remember all that they have learned at home about God and Jesus and his Love for us. I hope that they will remember the history of the Bible that they were taught. And I pray that we have modeled marriage, family, and and relationships in a way that they will be able to live all of them out in a Biblical light.

-The hours and hours we spent playing family games: everything from classics like Candy Land, the less common ones like The Ladybug Game, educational games like Go To The Dump, family games like Life and UNO, and the more adult strategy games like Catan. I hope that they will remember that time around the table together.

-The Living Books we read: from Charlotte's Web, Trumpet of the Swan, Marley and Me, and Pippi. And as Big S grew, heavier books like Number the Stars, War Horse, and A Long Walk to Water. We have laughed, and we have cried. We have empathized with characters, and lived their stories beside them. Big S has fallen in love with the writings of authors like Eric Carle, E.B. Webb, and Lois Lowry. We value the time we have together to lie in bed or on the couch each morning sharing these moments. Little S is quickly catching the Book Bug too. When she wakes up earlier than usual some mornings, she sees me reading my Bible and says, "Will you read to me your Bible?" And she falls back to sleep as I do. Many mornings, I even wake her up by reading, because it is the one way to guarantee she will be in a good mood. How I wish that she would remember these days and cherish them like I do.

-Food. Food seems to be something that brings back memories for all of us. Anybody who has a Mom or Grandmother who cooked or baked a lot will talk about the taste and smell of their food. We LOVE to bake here. There is no doubt about that. Big S has her own baking business, and Little S is the official egg cracker and "Kitchenaid Watcher." We especially love to make foods in the Summer when we have lots of fresh vegetables for cooking and herbs to dry out. The Fall is when we do a lot of our baking-pumpkin cookies and apple pie. Winter time is when we make a lot of granola bars and other filling snacks. And Spring brings on the fruit foods, like strawberry cake! Yum!

-The long days we spend outside: playing Red Light, Green Light out in the rain, rocking in the hammock, and exploring new places. It is even more fun now that we get to see nature again through the eyes of a toddler. Last Fall we went to Elsie for an event, and I had never felt more at peace than I did rocking in the a porch swing watching my girls play together in the autumn breeze. I saw them picking up rocks, looking at bugs, and chasing each other around a tree. I could sit there for hours and watch. And I did.

-The Garden: I doubt they will ever forget the garden, as we plan to keep growing our garden year of year, and eventually making it into a homestead. This year we are adding new raised beds-putting us at 5 beds total. We are adding 1 bee hive. And we may also be adding a small fence with some chickens. I pray that they both will remember how to identify, care for, and harvest plants, and that she will be pass that on to her children. There are few things that I revel in more than watching my girls in nature. Watching Big S get excited to harvest a new kind of plant or seeing Little S look at an observation hive while I try to pick out a bee suit that will fit her tiny toddler body.

-The Community/Service to Others: I hope that they remember the community of people that we belong to. I hope that they will remember seeing others serve us and serving others themselves. I hope that their relationships with some of those in our community will extend long past their childhood. We have had people bring meals after babies, during sickness, and other struggles. We have had a community of people who have prayed hard for us when we needed it most. And the girls have played a part in all these things themselves. Our current church, especially, is a very close knit community. We just began attending the Wednesday night youth group as well, and I pray that the girls will continue to grow up and feel what we did that first Wednesday. The fire going when we first arrived. The individual packets of tea and hot chocolate. The Barn lit up with outdoor twinkle lights. The laughter with friends. The prayer circles. Studying the Bible together. Sharing struggles. More prayer. Time playing in the mud kitchen with friends and visiting afterward.

-The plethora of people in and out of the house: I hope that they remember all the guest we have had. Over the years, we have worked hard to make our house the "place to be" so that people will want to come here and we can serve and minister to them. We also want to get to know our daughters' friends as the girls grow older and begin making friends with kids who aren't just my friend's kids. We have invested in things that will make memories, like a projector for movie nights and finishing the basement. I hope that the girls remember the New Year celebrations-playing board games, Mario Party, and laughing until midnight. I hope that they remember the potluck cookouts. I hope they remember DnD in the basement, as they get to join in on Guy's Night occasionally. I hope they remember the play dates and sleepovers.

These are the things I cherish. These are the memories that I hope to keep going with my grandchildren. These are the kinds of memories that I wouldn't feel complete without.

What brought this post up was a comment Big S made on the way home after Heritage Girls. One of the Explorer Co-Leaders was leading the Gardening Badge and she had planted Basil plants for the girls to put in their herb garden. She walked around the room, rubbing the tops of the plants and telling all the girls to smell the Basil. Big S said she would never forget that smell, as it brings back so many memories for her. So I asked her to name a few more things she would never forget.

What Samantha says she will remember:

-The smell of Basil reminds her of our first really successful garden, of our homemade spaghetti sauce, and drying out our own herbs.

-The time when my sisters lived here, especially the Summer when they were off school. She will remember the playing the Game of Life that seemed to go on for hours, the shopping trips with an overflowing buggy and a super packed refrigerator, the Outshine bars, harvesting zucchini, the sunflower fields, kayaking, and the weekend backyard camp outs and devotional times.

-Camping! The sound of the birds in the morning and crickets at night make her long for Spring to come so we can go camping. She says there is nothing better than waking up in your hammock, and rocking back and forth while you listen to the morning sounds, and the water-if you are lucky.