Alive

I feel so alive! I have not felt this way in at least 2 years. I would say 3 (if you include when I was pregnant with Little S), but I think after I got over the sickness, I was fine again until she was born. That is when I lost my brain. I am not kidding, guys. I honestly think I lost some brain function for a bit. I had no energy. None. Once Sara was born, she was always nursing or crying. When Sara started to get better about it, the girls moved in. I am not complaining for a moment. This is life. This is serving. And I felt so blessed to be a Mom again. I felt so blessed to serve those two precious girls. Samantha now has a baby sister, and built a relationship with the girls that feels like sisterhood. I would not go back and change a thing!

But I did lose brain function. I could barely remember to pack a spoon with my Husband's lunch.

The following 8 weeks or so after the girls left, I was either sick or dealing with severe allergies. Bleh.

The entire time, all my energy was drained. Instead of being able to volunteer "all in" and work on special projects at home, I was focusing all my energy on getting through the motions and of course trying to make sure we still had some fun. (Couldn't make my sister think we were boring.) How I loved our backyard camping and Bible study Saturdays. And our game nights! And movie nights. But I didn't have the same amount of energy I usually did.

The point is, I have not felt the way that I felt the other night for a long time.

Sara is old enough now that I can leave and she doesn't panic. In fact, I can even go to the store alone. Freedom. Going to the store alone is the epitomy of freedom for a Mom!

I can think clearly and hold a real conversation again. I can remember things and get involved without feeling overwhelmed. I get my time with God EVERY morning. I have started new projects, and been researching. Bees. An herb garden. A trip to Florida. I have the energy to get excited about Samantha's projects. We can ride bikes together again. And Sara rides in her little trailer on the back. It is SO CUTE!

Sometimes I feel selfish that I am enjoying this freedom again. But...

When I sit down at night, I don't instantly fall asleep without even telling my Husband good night. It's nice to have time for dates again. To build my relatio ship with God and other people. I don't feel atretched so thin. I feel refreshed. After living the last 2-3 years in a constantly state of auto pilot, I finally have energy again!

I. Am. Alive.