I'll admit, and I think I may have admitted this before, I never felt like a Mom with just Sam. As a baby, she never woke up at night, hardly cried as long as she was being held, broke herself from the bottle and a paci before a year old. By time we were out on our own and I had a house to clean and dinner to prepare, she was almost 2, potty trained-which she also did herself, and an all around dream child. She was clean and she liked to play quietly and close to me. She never really caused me much trouble. She still doesn't. I mean, she has quirks, don't get me wrong. She can be frustrating to teach and she is super duper emotional, so guiding her can be emotionally draining, but I don't have to worry about her doing anything wrong ethically. Not at this stage in her life anyway.
Then came Sara. Sara is-difficult to say the least, but I am no less thankful for her. It just makes things trickier than I had imagined. It is an adjustment for sure.
Some days I feel like I am rocking this "mom of 2" thing. Those are the days where I spend the morning cuddling with Sara and watching her nurse. Sam gets up on time and we do at least 3 hours of "school" aka reading a novel and a bit of math. (Most recently we spent some time introducing division.) The days I feel most accomplished I am able to get laundry folded and a nice dinner complete with homemade french fries and a dessert cooked before Hubby gets home. And I even get in an hour or two of "learning" in with Sara. "Look, Sara! This is a remote." "Sara, sissy and I are going to play with you on your tummy time toy so your muscles can develop!" And at the end of the day, I can honestly say my to do list is all marked off and it is a good feeling, even if it is just for A few hours. Then we drift off to sleep all cuddled up, looking forward to 8 fill hours of rest.
But the days where I feel like a failure are the days where I accidentally fall back asleep with Sara in the morning after sending J off to work before realizing that I forgot to stream carrots for his lunch the night before. And then, because I woke up late, S doesn't get out of bed and feed herself until almost 11 o'clock! By then, Sara is screaming her head off because she wants to nurse for the millionth time this morning and my nipples feel like they are going to peel right off and fall in the floor from exhaustion. And to be honest, all I want to do is get these diapers in the laundry before I pick her up and get ready for another session of being her pacifier so she can sleep while S and I attempt to read our newest novel, but not speaking too loudly in fear that she will wake back up. And then when dinner time comes, I'm trying to nurse her in a sling that really isn't meant for it, but it is all I have, so her head pops out of it constantly and every time I bend over, she dangles from my boobs. Ouch! And once dinner is burnt....I meant cooked, which for the second time this week was a crockpot chicken breast with BBQ sauce poured over it, Sara is screaming her head off again. But this time I can't just put a boob in it because it's gas. And sometimes the gassy baby hold works. Sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes my wrists just can't take holding her that way anymore. And sometimes the Gripe Water is magic and other days I'm like....well, that didn't work. I mean, it helps get the gas up, but doesn't always make her stop crying right away. And then she finally burps and I nurse her to sleep, without a bath for the 3rd night in a row. Or I think tonight might be the night for a bath, so I put her down slowly and tip toe to the bathroom. But the moment I touch the door handle, she's awake. So I nurse her back to sleep again. And then I pass out for a few hours before waking back up to check her breathing because I am completely and utterly terrified of SIDS! And then I wake up the next morning and hope it will be a good day today.
I'm not sure how long this goes on. I'm just trying to enjoy it while I can. She is growing too fast and this is just a season of life that will be over too soon. But trying to enjoy two different stages and take care of a needy Husband is hard. I feel like when she isn't crying, S or Hubby wants her. And that's fine, but what I really hate is that every time I pass her off, I get the urge to jump up, run around, and get stuff done. By time I make it back to get, it's because she is crying again.
I have rearranged my cleaning schedule around her napping and happy times, which will change as soon as I get used to it. ;) And next semester's schedule isn't quite as packed...well kinds. It is more spaced out throughout the week. And I suspect I will get used to this all one day, but will it always feel this way? Like one day I am Mom of the Year and the next day I am the worst Mom in the world? I am used to being Supekinda. Mom that diss it all and volunteers for everything. I am trying hard to maintain my title. Last week in AHG, I stayed in S's class to help like before while carrying and caring for Sara the entire time. I volunteered to help with her lock in next month and to make homemade brownies for the Christmas Party. Heck, I've offered to be on the board for two groups next year while (hopefully) working one day a week and homeschooling. What is wrong with me? I can't give it up. I just want to prove to myself and I guess everyone else I can do it I hope I can hold it all together....Maybe I should re-evaluate. I have a lot of learning ahead of me. But from here, I heard it gets easier. :)
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