Warning: Triggers
I know some stories have been extremely hard for me to read, so I just want to go ahead and say I'm writing this for my personal memories, and it is going to be extremely open and honest and may be upsetting or possibly gross to some people.
I was scared. 41 weeks was too far "overdue" for comfort. I just kept thinking I had to get this going so I could get her here safe and sound. I tried it all, walking, pumping, but nothing worked. Every day over 40 weeks we went, I would pray and pray that she would be fine. When they told me at my 40 week appointment I had not grown in a month, I panicked. They scheduled a growth scan for that Friday and we found out she was measuring a little behind in a few areas, like her head, and my fluid was borderline, but nothing dangerous. They said she looked good, but because of my fluid, they would like me to schedule an induction for the next Wednesday if I was still pregnant at my appointment on Tuesday.
...I didn't want to be induced! I was so conflicted. I wanted her here on her own time, but I also wanted her here safe. So I tried the very last thing I knew to try, castor oil, which came highly recommended by my midwives. And my Husband had begged me to do it so he could finally hold her. Friday night we went out to out last dinner as a family of 3. Then off to Wendy's for a frosty to mix the oil with. Carefully not to put her under stress, I mixed the lowest dose recommended (2 Tbs.) with a medium frosty. And I ate it. The science behind it is that castor oil causes your bowels to contract, in turn causing your uterus to contact and if you are lucky and close enough to the edge, it will bring on labor.
Funny the thing that help get rid of my endometriosis (Along with the Serrapeptase, I made castor oil packs to detox.) is also the thing that helped her enter this world.
I wasn't surprised 4 hours later when I went to bed feeling nothing. However, I was surprised at 2 AM when I woke up having to go to the bathroom in a hurry. "Great! The laxative part will work. But I won't go into labor." For two hours after that I was in the bathtub timing contractions so I knew I was in labor before I woke Jessie up. Even after that, I walked in place trying to make them keep coming because I was in complete denial that this could be the real thing. It was 5 AM and my contractions were regular and more painful than they had been. So I walked over to Jessie and said, "Jess, wake up. I don't think you are going to work today. But you aren't sleeping in either."
The next 31 hours went by fast, but not fast. I called the doctor. They wanted me to go in and have my water checked because I thought it had broken. I went in to OB emergency and got checked. No broken water. But I was 3 CM. They offered to let me check in on the ground that I had dilated a cm in less than 24 hours (I asked my midwife to check me that morning before at my appointment.) while having active contractions-and I was 41 weeks. We opted against it in case my progress stalled. I did not want to feel pressured to "get things going," and I didn't want to spend 3 days in the hospital with prodromal labor either.
So they encouraged me to go walk around at the River Park nearby and see how I progressed. We ended up in the food court at the mall. My pain was too intense and too close together to walk.
We were there for hours. Sam slept a little on a couch. Jessie rubbed my back with a tennis ball for awhile. He brought in my birth ball, and helped me bounce when it got bad. And finally I caved late afternoon. I needed a room. I wanted to move around in a room where I could just cry and use my oils. So I checked in. I was a trooper through my IV and blood draws, which is highly unusual for me, but I knew it didnt hurt as bad as my head though. Because of how the baby was positioned, I could not bear the pain of being checked. So we never knew my progress after the morning check, which was highly frustrating.
I labored hard, but I had the world's most amazing nurse who was sweet and kind and checked on me all the time. They reviewed my birth plan and made sure to follow everything. I wasn't retained to monitors. They just checked her out intermittently. Sara did well! Her heart rate was steady through it all. I took a million hot showers, getting out only to be monitored, when the nurse said, "Why don't I get the portable monitor and you can wear it in the shower?" Yes, please! And I pretty much stayed in the shower through the night. My Husband was amazing too. At one point I remember saying, "I can't do this! I can't take this! How much longer? Oh God, just tell them to check me and give me meds for just an hour so I can sleep!" He sat with me and talked me through it. "You can do this. You have this." And toward the end, he said, "Are you sure you want it?" "No. I'm going to regret it, but I have to have!" Every time I answered like that, he refused to get a nurse. I made it throught the night and at 7 AM, I told the nurse I needed to push, so she got the midwife.
All was calm. The midwife came and sat on the birth ball at the end of the bed and said to me, "Do what you have to do. I am just here to catch the baby." I was in shock, but I just started pushing during contractions. I expected a 1, 2, 3, she's out like Sam. But instead I pushed for 5 whole hours! A few things were stopping her, and this is one reason I don't think I'd recommend castor oil. 1. She had not turned into position. So I had to wait on her to turn as she came down, which was extremely painful. 2. Her water refused to break and 3. I can't remember now. So the midwife stayed in the room with me and rubbed my back and talked to me and encouraged me. She made suggestions on easing the pain. She got my birth ball for me. She suggested things to Jessie. She talked to Sam and answered her questions. Heck, she laid back and talked to some of the nurses in the room about how much she loves the office she works for. I was all over the room pushing. They just followed me and put those little puppy pee pads under me. Ha Ha Ha. So gross, but seriously, I had no idea how messy labor was!!! What helped the most was hearing them encourage me through each contraction and each push. Positive affirmation worked wonders. And Jessie just followed their lead. I felt empowered. All through my labor I had also been telling myself, "I can do this. I am a strong woman of God. He made me to labor and give birth. He will give me the power to make it through." And every time, I made it through. In the final moments, I was in the most pain I had ever been in. They suggested a shower and got it started. But before I got in, I dropped to my knees and said, "I think she is coming!" The midwife checked me, looked up at Jessie and Sam, shook her head and smiled. Then she said, "Honey, I need you to move into the bed. Let's not have her on the bathroom floor. So up to the bed I went. She told me to get in any position I liked, so I did. One knee on the bed and standing on the other leg. And I pushed and pushed and my Lord, the pain, the burning when she finally crowned, I thought for sure I was dying. The soles of my feet felt like someone had lot them on fire. She told me I needed to slow down now, slow and steady so she doesn't tear anything. And at that moment I wanted to shake that crazy woman and tell her to just pull that baby out of me. But I didn't. I just pushed, slowly. And a few minutes later, she came out, her head did. And a few minutes later, her body. And they passed her through to me and I flipped over, and just held on to her. Jessie said he had never seen anything like it. In excruciating pain one minute, relief the next, and all I could do was smile. I remember checking to see she was a girl. (Nobody else thought to look.) I remember she was quiet. She has wide eyes and she looked around. I couldn't stop kissing her. I just couldn't stop. And Jessie and Sam started crying. The midwife sat on the bed next to me and waited for the cord to stop pulsing. Then big sister got to come and cut it. She just loved that. The midwife talked to her about what she was doing and why. Then it was time to deliver the placenta. It was more painful than I thought, so I had Jessie take Sara so I wouldn't stress her out. And I bled. Just like last time. I just lost so much blood. But unlike with Sam, the room was calm. The midwife informed me that it was too much blood and that she was going to see if she could get some of the leftovers out. They also informed me the nurses were going to put me on a drip to stop it and give me a shot. I was so scared. I looked over at Jessie. I started to get dizzy and I couldn't stop shivering. I could not get it to stop. They brought in hot blankets and kept working. I heard the midwife say she loves how my placenta was shaped like a heart, but it was unusually big. She let Jessie take a picture. Sam and Jessie sat to the side as Sam got her sister time. But when they couldn't get me to stop bleeding, they started talking surgery. And I could see in Jessie's eyes he didn't know what to do. Later on he told me that he just kept on feeling so bad. He knew I wanted to breastfeed and after the last 34 hours, he thought I deserved it. But that first hour had already come and gone. And now they were going to take me to surgery and he would have to give her a bottle. The nurses were weighing my blood loss. The midwife called the doctor and he said let's wait to see how the meds work since my blood loss was still in the safe range. So he drove to the hospital to talk to me and I waited in recovery. I was able to feed Sara. They weighed her for us. 8 lbs 4 oz. 20-1/2 inches long. We took her back for more skin to skin and talked to Sam and Jessie. Samantha asked questions about surgery. She was a little scared. The nurses could tell so they talked to her and tried to soothe her. Jessie looked at me and said, "No more. I can't lose you." And I said, "You are right. No more." (That didn't last long.) When the doctor came in, he did an ultrasound and found some leftover pieces. He said I will henmorhage if my body does not push them out over the next few weeks. But I did not want surgery, and he said he felt comfortable with the precautions they had taken. They were working, so we could wait for now. He let Sam ask questions and Jessie too, as well as me. There is still a possibility I will have to go in for a D and C, but so far, so good. I just have to take it easy for 2-3 weeks. No rule breaking at all.
We had company the rest of the night and we connected with Sara. Jessie could not get over himself, and it wasn't long until he started asking what we could do to stop that next time so we can have more. Oh dear! I can't even walk without being hunched over at this point. I just smiled. But it is all he has talked about the last 4 days. None of us can get over Sara.
She is so loved. So loved. Sam is a great big sister. She loves to play with Sara. She is gentle with her. She talks to her softly and sings to her. And Jessie has been a great help. I am so thankful he has 2 whole weeks off wit so I don't have to rush back into things.
We stayed in the hospital an extra day by choice. And Samantha went that last night and stayed with a friend. Jessie brought me doughnuts and Chick Fil A amd we laid together in my bed. <3 nbsp="" p="">
I struggled with feeding her quite a bit. I was so miserable, I avoided feeding her. Like, if she slept longer than 2-3 hours, I didn't wake her. If she let go of a latch I told myself she must be done. No need to try again. She must be crying for something else. She constantly wanted to eat because her latch was wrong, and because she had already done some damage, it was hard to know if she was on there right. I felt like I had it when The consultants were in there, but when they let, I lost my confidence. The first night home, Jessie got me some creams and shields such from the store, but I was still in tears. So at 12 o'clock that night, I text my friend and asked her for some of her milk to supplement with until I could heal and mine would come in. She saved me! For the first time since the night before I went into labor, I got some real sleep. Jessie stayed up and fed her with the bottle, and I was out for the count. Pumping was a challenge at first, trying to establish a supply, but I made it through, and this morning I was able to feed her again, almost pain free. She transitions just fine with a bottle, between my milk and more mature milk. She seems much happier. She is a great sleeper, especially at night. And I still just cannot believe she is here.
So many tears shed for her. Just waiting. Just wanting to know why? So many prayers said. So many hours of researching what our next step should be. What supplement to try. And 4 and 1/2 years later...she was well worth the wait. She made it here. I can't quit thanking God. I know she is just perfect for our family. No doubt about it. She was made for us.
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