13 Weeks

I'm glad that is over. Those were some of the worst weeks of my life. Throwing up constantly. Can't even think about food but I'm starving. It was torture. Not only was I sick. All day. Every day. But I was depressed. I'd never felt quite that way before. After Lucy, I went through a period of sadness. But I was always up doing something. Trying to keep my mind busy. With this, I just wanted to sit there. And stare at the ceiling. Which only made the sickness worse because I couldn't get up and move through it. I gave my Husband the credit card (to buy us dinner and such) and never recorded the totals. I didn't care. (When I finally got enough energy and actually cared, I had to dig us out of the hole.) I felt awful because S would want to come talk to me and play with me on the bed. I didn't want her around. I wasn't even excited about the baby. I couldn't care less. This place I had waited to be for years, and I just wanted it all over with. And I didn't care what happened in the end. I've never been in a place like that. I don't like it. To be honest, I caved and started taking stronger, less natural medicine. (At least until my sea bands come in. I'm excited about those!!) It took another week for me to not feel depressed anymore, then I went into hyperdrive, deep cleaning the house and catching up on laundry. I still have days where I just want to lay down and die. But not as often. And I certainly am ready for this baby to come! Finally, I'm just as excited as J. I was starting to feel like I'd be a bad Mom. I started my research. We decided where to deliver. Trying to decide on sleeping arrangements. (hammock or co sleeper)Anyway, enough logistics. Sam is super excited. She talks to my belly every day and every night. When I tell her it is "just me and you" today, she corrects me and says, "Mommy, Sami, AND BABY." She loves going to yard sales and buying clothes for the baby. I have a very hard time finding her clothes at yard sales now, so I thought she might be a bit jealous that I was buying so much for the baby and not finding much for her. But she had a field day with the baby toys I buy and keeps saying she can't wait to show the baby how cool its toys are. lol She is obsessed with the links. My child...at least her (what other people call immaturity and I consider her eccentric, not caring what others think attitude) will work in our favor for this. Jessie is in the clouds excited too. (which, I did not expect. He was with Sam, but when we first started trying this told, for him, it was to make me happy and because more kids was next in the sequence of marriage.) But the month before I got pregnant (while we were trying to adopt) he suddenly wanted us to have a baby also. (Coincidently right after he finished done post abortion recovery.) He wanted me to go to a doctor and figure this out once and for all. We even went on a date and discussed what we were going to do. I was going to look into surgery. But...it was a few weeks later we found out. And since then he has been SO helpful. He has bought every little thing I've craved. He has spent more time at the store in a day than I do in a week. He has *tried * to clean when I couldn't. He stays home when I don't feel good, except from work. He makes sure I get my naps. He takes Sam out so that she still feels special. He even is helping in the decision to go hammock or co-sleeper. Most recently, he held my hand while I clamped down on his knuckles and cried while the nurse drew my blood. Of course he laughed after. But to make me feel better, he went and donated blood after we left the doctor. He also wants to have a gender reveal. I've always found those to be silly. Cute, but silly. And just one more thing people feel obligated to attend. But he wants it. How can I deny him that when he never denies me anything? We find out in 3 weeks!!! Me. I'm excited now. And now that I got the blood draw out of the way, I feel a million times more excited. And I got to see the baby. Like see him in more than dot form. He was all over the place. The heartbeat was 172. And she said everything looks great. So no worries there. I still just can't believe everything is okay. (I think that is one reason I couldn't get excited before. And I know stuff can still happen, which worries me too, but I'm trying to let go.) He just looks so perfect in there. Or she. :) We are ask in love with it already. Sam missed out on this ultrasound. :( My MIL wanted a day with her and she hasn't seen MIL in awhile. Sam knew I was getting a blood drawn and ultrasound. She is afraid of needles. And my last ultrasound probably scarred her for life since internal ultrasound are extremely painful for me. But when she found out it was abdominal and she missed getting to see him move, she was devastated. She says she is going to my gender scan no matter what. Just another random thought. I love my doctor. I honestly didn't want a doctor. And still I'd like a midwife who knows what leaf extracts to use for what. But the midwife at this office is a good balance. She is laid back. Natural. And they don't induce or do c-sections unless there is a complete emergency. They don't even do dilation checks at the end of pregnancy. My friend didn't even get an IV with her delivery. And when the midwife heard she wanted an epidural, she spent time with her trying to calm get down and tell her she could do it. The office itself is a house. Very calm. Not busy. At least when I go on Mondays. She is the only one at that office on Mondays. The place where they do your vitals looks nothing like a medical setting which is very calming. The nurses are complete angels and I barely felt her drawing my blood. It took no time at all to take 4 viles! (I'm sure it helped that my heart was pounding the whole time.) But when I had it drawn with S, it felt like eternity! This was nothing! I feel much better. Still don't like needles. But do feel better. They didn't make a huge deal of it. Vitals see done so quick. So that was nice. And then of course the offices look like bedrooms. They don't look or smell like stuffy doctor offices with posters all over the walls. Just an ultrasound machine and chairs. And the table of course. She always does down to talk while we are there. Just very friendly. I love it!! Here is the baby!