5:34 AM

February 27th, 2007 5:34 AM


I have waited forever to get here and now I'm not sure what to do next. My heart is still racing an hour after I found out.... I'm pregnant.


So many thoughts going through my mind. First, shock! Then thanks and praise! Then the bunch of questions. "I thought we were supposed to adopt?" "What now?" "Is this going to hurt as much as I remember?" "I'm pretty sure it's a boy." "Do I tell Jessie now?" He'll be gone for the next 2 weeks starting Monday. So if I want to wait to tell him in a special way, I have to hold it in and don't spoil the surprise by telling him on the phone. Forget it. I rushed into the bedroom, opened the closet, turned on the light, and jumped on the bed. He thought I was hurt because I was shaking. My heart was pounding so he kept asking if I was okay. I gave him my test. Digital. And it still took him a good minute to read it and register what was going on. He was in shock too. And he just held me. And we both laid together...in shock and fear. Mixed with excitement.
Our minds jumped to the worst. And now we can't shake it. So we agreed to tell no one until I am 13 weeks. (Not sure if I can hold it in for 3 more months. So I will blog in a draft and tell my closest friends.)


Three years. My last supplement, I know without a doubt-along with God, is what healed me. And I realize what I was waiting for now. A Husband who wanted the same thing. He told me less than 2 weeks ago he wanted me to go to a doctor because he wanted to go through pregnancy again. And he told me he wanted to adopt also. And we still will. I was waiting on a Husband who can lead his house and follow God. It was worth the wait.


Why I Took The Test:


My Husband's tuna almost made me puke.
My dog's poop made me gag-outside! The air carried the smell.
I craved an orange yesterday. I don't eat oranges.
I took a 4 hour nap the day before.


I thought all these things were because I have been coughing up a lung lately. I had no idea because I was pregnant!


Gosh, I don't know how to feel. I'm excited. Nervous something will happen. Afraid to tell people because I know how hurtful it can be to find out someone is pregnant. Confused. What to do next. Trying to hold in my cough now. Every little twinge makes me scared. Looks like I'm more nervous than excited. But I am definitely excited. Definitely.


I can't believe we are going to have another baby. I'm going to be pregnant. I'm going to get big. Sam can read stories to my belly. I'll be wearing maternity clothes for the first time in 7 years! I will get to buy baby stuff. And we will have a newborn in the house. I get to be awake all night. I get to rock it and feed it. And Sam and I get to teach and play with the baby. Sam. Will have a sibling!!!


February 29th 2016
This pregnancy so far has been full of worry. I wish I could just celebrate his life. But I am scared. I need to know it is all okay. At least so far. So I went to our local health department this morning and got it confirmed with a test. Whew. Relief. Then-my vitals were no good. Ugh. Stress again. My blood pressure was high. I fear toxemia again. And if it sets up early we are looking at hospitalization. Trying not to panic. So then I set up an ultrasound with the Center. Awesome perk. They told me to come as often as I like (on the days the tech is there) to get a peek at the baby. I am too excited 😃!!! Unfortunately, Jessie will not be able to come with me since he is out of town. But he gave me special permission to do it without him so we can both relax. I just have to get video. A dear friend is coming with me for support in case something happens and I find out bad news. At first I wanted to be alone, but I thought about how supportive she is and I thought she would be the perfect person to bring.
If all looks good, we will be telling S this weekend. (We can't hold it in any longer.) We are going to wrap up a Big Sister shirt, my ultrasound, and my digital test that says positive and take her to eat somewhere. Then we will tell MIL on that Sunday. We plan to let S wear her new shirt and see how long it takes them to notice. We are going to announce it to my family on Easter. Ah. I am starting to get more excited.
I feel decently normal except I wake up in the night needing to pee and I can't go back to sleep. Then I feel queasy. Then I feel like I am going to die from starvation. Then I eat and I am better for a majority of the day. If this is what it is like the next 35 weeks, I'll be okay.


March 1, 2016
I'm dying here. I just want to talk and talk and talk about the baby. But I'm nervous. And I don't have many people I have shared it with and I know they don't want to spend all day talking about what ifs. "If it is a boy, we will do his room in this." "If it is a girl, she will come home in this outfit." I need my Hubby to get back in town so I can talk this ear off. He is more excited than I am. He was saying he can't wait to find out what it is. He has been looking for camo outfits online. He said we should start shopping now. He even text to see if he can tell his Mom over the phone because he was dying. He was so excited he told strangers and old friends since he couldn't tell family. He said he never imagined himself so over the moon about this, but he is, even more so than with Sam. (He was very happy about S, but we were teenagers and we had to face our parents. There were a lot of stressors and he didn't have time to stay blissful for long.) But this time around, he says he can't wait. Because he has time off work and no school to worry about so he can attend all the appointments And he doesn't have to worry about getting any grief for staying out of work with me for the first week. This time, we can drive where we need to go for the baby. We didn't have a car before. Or a license. And we don't have to worry about money for the most part. I have been collecting over the years and have exactly what I want for him. The right brand of cloth diaper. I'm getting the hammock I want. The cutest maternity clothes. Wooden toys. The car seat I wanted. (It was on a huge sale at Costco!) All I lack is clothes for him....or her. And I will get those this Summer because I will find out what it is in May. I'm due at the end of October. So plenty of time. I. Can't. Wait!!


Sam will be the best big sister. She has been practicing since we decided to adopt. She cares for her dolls. She is earning a child care patch. She makes plans on how to teach certain things to the baby. I will miss having an only child. I'm sure there will be some jealousy. 8 years is a long time to have Mommy at home to yourself. But I'm hoping it will be a slow transition with all the napping, etc.      


Ah. I am counting down to Thursday. I least they see something. But I AM feeling more at peace. Like I am allowed to be excited now. So that helps.


March 2nd 2016


24 Hours to my first ultrasound! I think I might be 6 weeks exactly on Thursday so hoping to see SOMETHING!!


Later Today: I am sitting on the couch with Sam. We finished today's "work." Volcano for the Science Fair and making change games for math. Later today we will go to the library. And she will look in the chapter book section for a new book. My how she has grown.
She has unknowingly given me some nostalgia though. She is watching a channel on You Tube called Super Simple Songs. She used to listen to that channel as a toddler.


It made me even more hopefully and excited. Hopefully that nothing will go wrong. Excited that I get to do this again. Again. I get to do it over! I get to help a child explore textures. I get to sit and sort colors. Read Chicka Chicka Boom Boom. See a toddler sway back and forth as I play Sam's favorite CDs for him. And the even cooler part is that at the same time I will get to be teaching S. I get to do big kid stuff too. Multiplication. Homeschool field trips. Sleepovers. AHG. Have someone to have conversations with while the baby just babbles away. The best of both worlds right under one roof. I just can't wait!


March 3rd, 2016
I'm a little let down. My cervix wouldn't open up to show anything on my ultrasound. :( But my friend did make Sam a big sister shirt for Saturday! I have it all boxed up and ready to go! Yippee!
March 7th, 2016
Well, we told Sam... And his family.... And my family, minus my Dad because he lives in Texas and I was hoping to tell him when he came back in town.
We took Sam to her favorite restaurant, Golden Corral. We gave her her present in the parking lot because we didn't know how she would react. She opened it and was SO confused. (The problem is, everybody knew we were trying to adopt. So they thought it was just something we had made for the future.) So Sam was polite but I think let down at first because we told her it was a HUGE surprise. She said, "Oh, thank you. I love my new shirt." So J told Sam to look in the bottom. (at my test) And she kept trying to read it upside down. She was still confused. So Jessie said, "Mommy is having another baby!" Then she got it. She was very excited. The rest of the day she kept talking about it. She said she just couldn't stop. And she would rub my belly and talk to it and ask when she would feel it kick. We took her to the park to play and J and I got some time to sit together and just be before we went and told his Mom (since Sunday we would be busy.) We let Sam wear her shirt there so they could figure it out. Didn't take MIL long. Although they thought we were adopting too. We spent a long time there and then I was exhausted so we went home to lay down. (I have to prop my feet above my head an hour a day because my blood pressure.) Well, Sam started to get tired and became filled with worry. When I went to tuck her in, she spilled out all these worries she had about having a younger sibling. I tried to walk her through each one, but it didn't work. She just has to stress. So I told her we would start studying how the baby is developing and also make a being a big sister interview book. She can ask questions and advice on anything she is afraid of. Luckily she knows some families with big age gaps and some with small and some with brothers and some with sisters. I hope it helps her. It seemed to that night. She was coming up with crazy things (that were very real to her) like what if (by some crazy chance) I left her home alone at 10 with a 2 year old and it fell and wouldn't stop crying and she called me and I told her I couldn't come back home. I tried to tell her I wouldn't leave her and I wouldn't not come back. And that by age 10 things like that won't seem so scary to her, but she wouldn't have it. She was terrified. :( And there was nothing I could do to help her. She woke up later that night throwing up so I think her sickness had a lot to do with how she felt because she is all smiles again. Sunday we told my family. We hadn't planned to, but J was dying to tell them. And we were there all day and everyone was there so I let him. They were happy. But they too thought we were adopting. So that is it. Announcements over.
Today we have the Science Fair. It just remind me I have to make a list of things to do with S this Spring while she is still an only child. Like take her to Steak N Shake after a play to get a milkshake and just sit there forever and talk. (That'll be this Friday.) Or going to tthe library and doing a project then reading a ton of books on the shelf together while we sit in the story room...forever. Or going to the park to set up our hammocks and birdwatch and read while we rock and eventually fall asleep in the shade until everyone is gone for the afternoon. These are things that it probably would have been my last year doing worth S anyway. Next year she will be 9 and I imagine around 9 they begin changing the way they spend their time. But until then, I will enjoy it. Cuddle time, naps, story books, children's plays, playgrounds.
I can't believe we are pregnant. Monday I go to the doctor and we will see this baby that caused us so much distress. And I am sure it will suddenly all be worth it.