Special Friend

I had a bad day yesterday after being lied to by the foster agency. But that's another story for another day. I went to write a post and thought better of it. Because I couldn't place my anger.


"I know what you mean. We tried to have a baby for 3 whole months and it felt like eternity."


"We are Fertile Myrtles over here. I'll just have a baby for you." First of all, no you won't.


"It's all in God's plan."


"Just pray."


"The right child will come when it is time."


"God is testing you."
All  things I have heard over the last 3-1/2 years.
And the points about prayer and God are true. I'm not discrediting that....


BUT after receiving the news we did from the foster agency yesterday, rage boiled in me. I didn't want to hear spiritual axioms or borderline insults thrown at me. I felt...full of anger. And I couldn't place why. Why I felt that way toward the people who are my friends and who want to help. I went through a stage of bitterness and resentment. I went through a stage of "guilt," thinking,"this is your fault." a stage of sadness for feeling the resentment. And a stage off confusion-all in about 90 seconds.


And still, I didn't know why. But now I do. What I wanted from these people, I will NEVER get. I can't possible find what I am looking for from people who want to help me but haven't been there. Because what I want, understanding.


Fast forward to that night. Leader meeting with Heritage Girls. Prayer request time. I was brave enough to take a turn and allow these women to be my support system. Because that's what they are there for, right? AHG is for S, but there is nothing wrong with me finding support and friends in the places I volunteer. The leader knows what we are going through. And she is a sweet woman. Always uplifting and praying for everyone. When it was my turn, I poured out our story (the adoption part, not the trying to get pregnant part) and just said, "Please. Pray for us that we can figure out the next step. And keep us in mind as you hear about children who need homes." Everybody was sweet as candy. And a woman who had adopted 5 out of 6 of her children told me to get with her after the meeting. I was smiling ear to ear. My chest felt a million pounds lighter.


And then the door slammed shut.


A leader walked in late and yelled out, "Whew! Sorry about that! I just got out of the hospital. I was there for SEVEN hours. I was so dehydrated from what appears to be....a BABY!" as she held up her ultrasounds and talked about how she is 9 weeks pregnant. And another woman blurts out, "That is THREE women in the troop now! Wow. Apparently we all love to have babies. We are all so fertile."


That was a blow, but I stuck out the rest of the night. The whole ride home I didn't have time to dwell on it because it was raining so hard! Once I finally got home, I laid down in bed and passed out.




Today again was so busy, I barely had told to breath.. With co-op and swim and picking up my sick brother from school.




And then I got a call from a friend in AHG. We met a year ago and I know her story of the daughter she adopted-4 at the time. She is a sweet, sweet lady. But I never imagined she would be my support. Of all the people who needed prayers last night, she said she was thinking of me. She has been there. And she knows. And she told me she knew what happened right after I shared was a blow to the stomach. And you know what? She told me..."It won't be the last time. Adoption is a roller coaster of ups and downs." It's just God preparing us for the challenges to come. And we get stronger. And she is right. I don't feel the same let down every time I find out I'm not pregnant. I don't feel the same pain I do when I see pregnant women. I can hold a baby now. Some babies. Okay. One baby. It doesn't hurt quite as much. I thought it would get worse as time went by. But it is like I hit my peak at the 3 year mark. And then it got easier. And I started seeing reasons that it hasn't happened yet. And it got even more easier. Not to say it doesn't hurt. But it isn't overwhelmingly devastating anymore.


And now, knowing that I have someone who cares the way that my friend Emily does. Who supports me and prays for me and loves me. It's special.


She wants me to attend a local adoption conference with her this year to network. And I just kept thinking, "A purpose for everything and everything for a purpose." A special friend like that who knows the pain, who heard God say, "Not medical. Adoption." It is nice. Not so lonely. Just. Nice.