THIS IS IT! I HAVE TO VENT! I AM SO TIRED OF EVERYONE SAYING THAT THE ONLY REASON I WANT ANOTHER BABY IS BECAUSE SIL JUST HAD ONE. AND GIRL, I KNOW YOU READ THIS AND I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT YOU. I AM TALKING ABOUT HER. (AND A FEW OTHER PEOPLE HAVE MADE COMMENTS.) SO I AM GOING TO SET THIS STRAIGHT, EVEN IF IT IS JUST ON MY BLOG. THAT IS NOT THE REASON I WANT A BABY! COUNTLESS FRIENDS AND FAMILY MEMBERS HAVE HAD BABIES SINCE SAM WAS BORN AND NOT ONCE DID I SAY, "OKAY, NOW WE GOTTA HAVE ONE." BABY FEVER IS NOT A REASON TO GET PREGNANT AND RAISE A CHILD FOR THE NEXT 18+ YEARS! IF I WERE TO HAVE A BABY EVERY TIME A FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER HAD ONE, I WOULDN'T HAVE MY SANITY!
FOR THE PAST ALMOST 3 YEARS I HAVE STRUGGLED WITH WHAT WE DID TO LUCY. I WAS CONSTANTLY GUILT RIDDEN AND I CONVINCED MYSELF SAM WAS BEST OFF AS AN ONLY CHILD. I CONSTANTLY HAD TO LIST THE REASONS WHY I FELT THAT WAY JUST TO REASSURE MYSELF. I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE WE DESERVED ANOTHER ONE AFTER WHAT WE DID. SOMETIMES I STILL FEEL THAT GUILT, BUT IT HAS GOTTEN SO MUCH BETTER. THE PAST 3/4 MONTHS SINCE I HAVE BEEN AT THE WOMEN'S CENTER HAVE HELPED ME TREMENDOUSLY IN MOVING ON. NOT FORGETTING, BUT LETTING GO. JESSIE AND I ARE IN THE PROCESS OF CLOSING ON THE HOUSE, WHICH WILL HAVE MORE THAN ENOUGH SPACE. SAM IS A GOOD AGE TO UNDERSTAND WHAT IS GOING ON. AND SHE IS BEGGING FOR A SIBLING, AND I THINK SHE DESERVES THAT-WHAT SHE WOULD HAVE HAD WITH LUCY HAD THAT NOT HAPPENED. I FEEL...READY. JESSIE AND I TALKED-FINALLY-AND HE FEELS READY TOO. IN FACT, HE SAID HE IS COMPLETELY EXCITED. WHEREAS, HE WAS SKEPTICAL AT FIRST BECAUSE HE FELT SO GUILTY. I JUST HAD THIS OVERWHELMING FEELING ONE DAY THAT THAT IS WHAT WAS NEXT FOR US. THAT WE DIDN'T HAVE A CHOICE. THAT WAS IN THE PLAN FOR US. THAT IS WHY I BROUGHT IT UP TO JESSIE.
AND YES, MY NEW NEICE IS SO UNBELIEVABLY ADORABLE AND SHE DOES MAKE ME WANT A BABY EVEN MORE. BUT I AM NOT HAVING ANOTHER ONE JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE ELSE HAS ONE. THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!!!
AND AS FOR MIL, SHE THINKS EVERYBODY IS JEALOUS OF EVERYBODY. SHE HAD THE NERVE TO SAY THAT I WAS JEALOUS OF THE BABY BECAUSE I TOLD HER SAM WANTED TO KNOW WHY SHE WASN'T THE BACKGROUND ON "NANNY'S" PHONE ANYMORE. THAT IS A GOOD QUESTION FOR HER TO ASK! SHE IS 3-1/2. SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND WHERE THIS NEW BABY EVEN CAME FROM-EXCEPT UTERUS AND HOSPITAL, BUT SHE DOESN'T GET IT. I AM NOT SAYING SAM SHOULD HAVE TO BE HER BACKGROUND, BUT I AM SURE SAM WAS CONFUSED. I DIDN'T TELL HER TO SAY SHE HAD TO CHANGE IT. JUST DON'T FREAKING SHOW IT TO HER! I WAS TRYING TO STOP ANY JEALOUSY THAT MIGHT HAPPEN. I DON'T WANT SAM TO SEE BABIES AS A THREAT. I MEAN, MY LORD, WHY TRY TO RUIN A GOOD THING. SAM IS IN LOVE WITH THAT BABY. AND SHE IS TRYING TO CREATE JEALOUSY BETWEEN SAM AND THE NEW BABY! SAM DOES GREAT WITH HER. SHE LOVES HER TO DEATH AND TELLS EVERYONE ABOUT HER NEW BABY COUSIN, BUT MIL SEEMS TO THINK EVERY TIME SHE TURNS AROUND SAM IS JEALOUS. LAST WEEK SAM WONDERED OFF AND WENT OUTSIDE TO PLAY AND THAT MEANT SHE WAS JEALOUS BECAUSE NANNY WAS HOLDING THE BABY! AND SHE MAKES THESE COMMENTS IN FRONT OF SAM LIKE TELLING HER THAT SHE SHOULD BE JEALOUS! UGH!!! I MEAN, JEEZ, HOW HARD IS IT TO NOT CREAT TROUBLE! UUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
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