Tonight was a good night. Jessie, Samantha, and I went to Chick-Fil-A for dinner. We needed some family time with all that has been going on. We discussed all the progress on the house. We went over the appraisal papers we got in the mail today. Talked about plans for the house-paint colors and all. He text and told me this afternoon that we needed to talk about something over dinner, so I thought it was about the whole baby thing. He has been so wishy washy, and I was expecting a direct answer. But what he said was he had a surprise for me. We were going to WalMart to look for something that we couldn't start buying until the end of July. (I assumed paint, since he had asked about colors earlier.) Well, he took me the baby isle and said, "This is what we are here for." He said we are having a baby. No more back and forth. No more "I may change my mind." We are having a baby, but he really wants to wait until the end of July because we will be completely settled in the house and won't have so much stress on ourselves. AGREED! We told Samantha, and she was so excited! We went shopping and got a toy for the baby. (I could't leave without getting SOMETHING! lol) Sam and Jessie picked it out together. She said it was from her. :) (After the FOR SURE answer, I felt so sick and nervous and excited all at the same time!)
I made Jess promise he wasn't doing this to "shut me up." He said no. He said he had been texting Josh (his best friend) about it all day, and that is what he really wanted a baby. But I felt like there was something he wasn't saying...So as awful as it is, I looked through his text messages.
And I didn't realize how selfish I was being. I knew I was prepared for another baby, and that is what I wanted, but I didn't think about all the stress I put on him with his job and the house and the baby thing. (Poor thing. He feels like a failure because he qualified for a promotion and a raise to $14.00 an hour, but now he has to wait a few extra months because he's had a writeup in the last 6 months. They told him if he keeps it up and he doesn't get another write up in the next month, he will get his promotion and raise. That will really help. By time the baby comes, he will be making about $14.50 an hour, because of his annual raise.) Anyway, in his texts he told his friend how stressed he felt, and that he really did want another, but he felt guilty. (I went through that too, and I didn't think about Jessie feeling that way. We discussed it briefly a few days ago, but it was mostly me telling him I was feeling better, and he didn't say much, so I assumed he felt about the same.) He told him that he felt like he denied the life of our second child and that he doesn't even deserve the child he has. He said he shouldn't have put me through what he did and he had no clue why I was still with him. Just reading it made me cry. These are things he has never straight forward come out and told me. I felt like I understand him better now because he is going through the same stuff I did, but I just didn't know it. It does upset me that he was able to tell his friend that and not me, and I hope that he can discuss it with me soon, but until then I guess I will just try to stay sensitive to what he wants and make sure not to push him to try before July. I Love him so much, and I just don't know weather to be happy or sad about what I read. I am happy that he feels something for Lucy. But so sad that he is struggling with the same things I did, and that pain is just a pain I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy.
Well, I hope we are making the right decision. I feel like we are. I think we are ready for this next step. These next few steps....
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| Stacker Sam Picked Out |
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