How the System Failed Us and Things I Said I Would Never Do

 I have been vague because the doctors have been vague, and the only thing I know is the way my heart feels when she looks so sad or scared. Sometimes it feels worse now than in the beginning because this is so normal to her now, she isn't scared anymore. I used to wake her up with the question, "Can you walk today?" Now I don't ask. I just wait and see. And when she can't, it's just normal. 

So, this all started a long time ago, I am sure. It has been a chain of events setting off inflammation like a fire in her body, but I digress. Suffice it to say, it reared its ugly head in April. Little S started having headaches and night sweats. My Husband isn't big on the "wait and see" approach, which is probably a good thing because I am a big fan of the, "Toughen Up" approach, which has put us in a bad place a few times, so we balance each other out. 

So, as he requested, I took her to the doctor. We didn't get to see the lady she saw back when she had serum sickness, but a man instead. He told us it was allergies and that our house is probably just hot in the evenings with Spring coming, causing the sweating. He offered to check her thyroid, but I declined because he seemed confident and I have a needle phobia, which I am certain I project onto my own children. 

Fast forward a week and she began having joint pain. Now, this time I listened and acted quickly because she had serum sickness in the Fall, caused by a bad reaction to only the second antibiotic she had ever had in her life! It was brutal. Painful and debilitating. She couldn't walk, and she screamed if she was touched. She has never experienced pain like it before or since. The doctors said the best way to describe it was like glass in her joints. 

So we went back to the doctor, the lady this time, who sent her for several labs. Little S came home after complaining about pain in her arm muscles. We told her it was just from tensing up during the draw and that she would be fine. 

Some of it is a blur, but she wasn't fine. At some point, she began having issues with her muscles in her arms and legs. She began waking up unable to walk, unable to lift her arms. Some days she couldn't hold anything. Some days she couldn't bend her fingers. She hurt. She was tired. She had headaches and hot flashes and stomach pain. But then, sometimes she was okay. 

Her lab work came back with low Vitamin D and a positive ANA for autoimmunity. We got a referral in April for rheumatology. Their first opening was the end of July. I was not going to accept that. The Pediatrician told us to take her to the Atlanta ER in hopes that they would have the on call rheumatologist see her so we didn't have to wait. 

The verdict? She is constipated. Maybe the toxins are leaking into her body somehow. "Pump her full" of Ibuprofen, and wait until her appointment in July. 

...

I am not sure if any of you have read the back of the box label on Ibuprofen or knew a child who almost died from taking Ibuprofen too often, but I have. It wasn't until later that another doctor told me they should be sued for malpractice. So my choices were give her Ibuprofen daily to take away her immediate pain and deal with it on the back end or give her nothing, because there are no gentle quick acting anti inflammatory medications. Nothing like a catch 22 to make you feel like the worst mom in the world. Sara has an MTHFR mutation, so she really shouldn't have it anyway. This put us in a real bind.

I wasn't taking that for an answer. I refused, so I called every single day to see if the doctor had a cancellation. It wasn't long before she did. We got in mid-May, about 2 weeks after her labwork came back. 

I was thrilled. This was going to be the day we got answers. My baby was going to stop hurting. There is no way this was not the right place for us to be. Imagine my disappointment when the rheumatologist blew us off and told us to see neurology. 

Maybe we didn't explain it well enough? At that point, we were having an issue pinning down things. Her pains moved around. In the beginning, her hips hurt all the time. Now its her neck. In the beginning, the rough pains lasted anywhere from 30 minutes to a day. Now it can last 3 or 4 days or just flare up at night for a week. 

I will give her this. She ran the labs to be sure. All that came back was low IgA, so she referred us over to neurology. 

This was one of my first lessons I learned. Labs are not always reliable. Little S's inflammatory markers were on the high end of "normal," yet she has none of the risk factors that should cause it to be up there. She has a good diet. No gluten. No sugar. Next to no dairy. Her BMI is normal. But nobody questioned that. 

So we went through the same thing with neurology as well as with immunology after that. No openings for 6-8 months, pushing to get in, and finding nothing. (Although, at one point, we were almost certain it was Myasthenia Gravis when her test reflexed. That caused us quite a scare.) The neurologist was absolutely wonderful and so thorough. But again, labs came back normal. Her EMG came back normal. Her MRI came back normal. 

During the waiting, we also had to see a nephrologist and GI. Nephrologist wasn't really needed. She just had a wonky lab come back, so the Pediatrician referred her to be safe. GI blew it off and wanted her on a serotonin blocker, as he suggested her pain was imagined. We declined. 

The GI did find gallbladder sludge, which he quickly dismissed as "something that just happens and would probably go away." This shocked me, as she had been having pain where her gallbladder was at, hence the reason for the scan, and she was too young to have "sludge." Her gallbladder wasn't emptying properly, and we were going to ignore the signs? This is just one example of some things I found  very frustrating along the way. We aren't finding much, but what we do find, we are ignoring?

Not finding "anything" was a relief, but with each visit, I felt like we were getting further away from answers. We were at a dead end. Nobody knew what to do from there. 

After receiving no answers and seeing so many doctors, going to the ER multiple times during a bad flare up, and her symptoms getting worse, we began to look into functional medicine. 

The idea of a doctor who knows how it all works together, who will use multiple different types of approaches, and wants to treat the underlying issue instead of covering up symptoms, was very appealing at this point. Of course, insurance doesn't cover it. Figures. They're  also didn't cover the chiropractic care she began receiving in June. It was the only treatment she had been offered that really addressed some of her issues, and it was lessening her symptoms significantly. She stopped having the dizziness. Her hips stopped hurting so bad, and her debilitating flare ups reduced to once a week vs. daily. But we still didn't answers, and she still hurt. 

So in August, we began seeing a functional doctor for her. He has run tests that I have never even heard of. He was able to go through all of her labwork with me and show me what we need to address as well as all the markers that show autoimmunity. We found things that are causing issues that no doctor would have found. I KNEW something was wrong, but the doctors repeatedly dismissed it. 

I told them that Sara has pain in her chest, and that it wasn't heartburn, but they said it was impossible. 

She had an H. Pylori overgrowth. It has now been treated. 

She had pain after eating carbs. At one point she could only eat vegetables without hurting. They said it was probably just general stomach pain. Lack of a certain digestive enzyme for carbs showed in her labs. Treated. 

Glabladder sludge, not normal. Treated. 

She had parasites, a yeast overgrowth, and an overgrowth of bad bacteria. Currently still treating. 

Leaky gut. That is the next step after we kill the bad bugs. 

He was the first doctor to be able to sit down with me and explain the possible chain of events that made me say, "Yes, I noticed this when..." "She had signs of that years ago. I just didn't know." So the kettle has overflowed. 

We are currently treating her autoimmunity with no nasty side effects. We are downregulating her immune system naturally, and it is working most days. We were down to once every 2 weeks, but diet is a major factor, and Halloween exists, which set us back quite a bit. Now, as I wrote this, she has gone 5 weeks with only a little pain here or there, but no flare ups. 

We had to cut gluten out again, become more strict on sugar, minimize eggs and oats temporarily, and allow nothing processed and prepackaged. 

We have started not just buying grassfed beef like we were, but fresh beef from the farm, quail eggs, and a few other items from the farms nearby to minimize what we are purchasing at the grocery store. It was the push I needed, honestly. 

And my baby is getting better. So. Much. Better. 

Praise God!

Now....

On to the things I said I would never do. This has been a very heard season of parenting to navigate. To me, Sara is special. To others, she is just another person. So when I get frustrated that people are going out places while they are sick, and I start thinking about how sickness is what triggered the final stages of this and how much worse she will get if she does get sick, I have to remember that Little S is not a concern to them. 

There are so many more things to navigate, such as handling school. I am thankful we don't have to make the decision each morning as to whether or not she will go and if she is getting behind or what her peers will think of she needs a wheelchair that day. In fact, it is a huge relief. However, I do have a harder time getting her to focus (as opposed to before when she was quick as a whip and enjoyed every second.) I don't know when to say, "Let's just skip math today." and when to say, "You will be okay. I need you to pay attention." 

Update: I typed this in November during her after Halloween flare up. I am thrilled to say that her brain fog has (currently) subsided, and I feel like I have my girl back for the first time since April!!! 

I am learning to navigate how to figure out how she feels without being overbearing, without constantly asking or trying to help or telling her not to be too rough on her fingers when they are hurting. I have NEVER been that Mom. I said I never would be. I was always okay with climbing. What's the worst they can do? Break something? I was always okay with them venturing off. Kidnappers are NOT around every corner. Kids NEED these skills. Suddenly though, I find myself making sure she knows where her compression gloves are and carrying her padded seat inside for her if she forgets it in the car. I'm getting better. I really am. If she doesn't want those things for fear of what others will say, she will have to decide for herself if it's worth the pain she will have to endure because of it. I tried letting her make decisions on her food, but she kept making bad choices and causing herself excruciating pain, and I just couldn't watch it anymore, so I did take over that. However, as time goes by, she does see the effects of what she eats, and isn't so resentful of not being able to have the same things as others. (I'm sure it helps that we have found some treats she can bring to have when others have treats.) 

And last, but not least, I find myself making kefir and fermenting pickles. That is a bit of a story. 

I have always been into anything health related. I took College Anatomy my 11th grade year and ended with a 99. I went to school for medical language. (I originally wanted to go for occupational therapy, but I also wanted to be home with my girls, and medical language (transcription) seemed to open the door for that.) I read medical books for fun, but I have always been very reserved on any kind of medication, manmade or natural. Manmade for obvious reasons. Natural because it is hard to know what you body needs, how much of it it needs, or how it will react with your body or with other supplements. Too many people do Google searches and decide they need something or overdo a certain amount of something and end up causing issues. I digress, again. 

It wasn't until after Sara got sick and I decided I wasn't going to accept the lack of answers from the doctors, that I decided to get serious. Since April, I have spent hundreds of hours reading medical texts, books on various topics, medical journals, pouring over her 100+ labs, and interviewing people who have symptoms similar to Sara's. I need to understand this better. 

I have never been one to make things. I homeschool, so I am always in the world of kefir, kombucha, and sourdough, so I feel like I SHOULD enjoy those things, but I don't. I don't even like gardening. I just like the literal fruits of gardening. I am a practical person, a person who NEEDS to know why and how. When I get there, I am more apt to put in the effort. Well, I am there. I have seen how probiotics specifically manage her pain...so here we are. I have ordered some kefir grains and I am waiting on my fermenting weights to come in tomorrow. What is happening to me? I used to be cool. Now I am in my mid-30s making fermented pickles and telling my children why gut bacteria matters. 

I love my daughter. I love them both! I would do anything for them. I am doing everything for Little S that I possibly can to take away her pain and try to heal her without hurting her. Honestly, at this point, I am so thankful for the doctors' "refusals" to "treat" her, because it led us to where we are. She is improving and learning good habits for her health in the future. 

It breaks my heart that her "immune kettle" entered the world so full already. I know it isn't easy seeing your friends eat cinnamon rolls at the potluck or explaining why there is no bun on your burger. Some days its a struggle to convince her she needs to take her medicine, and I worry that she will not keep it up as she grows older and decides she is tired of it, but we will continue to take it one step at a time like we have done for so many things for so many years, and we will cross that bridge.....when we get to it. 

Update: Sara is happily taking her supplements because she is seeing and feeling what it is doing for her. FIVE WEEKS without the night sweats and constantly pain. She has minor pain in her legs still, but she can walk each and every morning. And play! And run and jump on the trampoline! This one is especially important because of all the special memories created on that trampoline. When Big S was 5, we bought it because she began gymnastics and wanted to practice at home. I never in a million years dreamed of all the kids that would jump on it and all the special moments that would be spent on it by them-jumping, playing games, camping, laying out and talking. We have replaced countless parts on it and it still leans sometimes. Even now that some of those kids are adults, they return and lay out under the stars. When Little S couldn't jump on it anymore, my heart shattered. I knew she was in pain to give up such a thing. It was a true balm to my heart when she began jumping on it again this Fall. ❤️

We have adjusted well over the last several weeks. We have found natural pain killers that work fast, purchased several heating pads, compression socks, and various items to help with the aches and pains (just in time for them to subside 😅). We are learning, and I am so grateful for the true healing God has led us to through functional medicine.

My girl is back. 

Almost On The Path to "Remission"

Things could be worse. 

And I'm really counting my blessings each day. 

I am tired sometimes. 

That's okay. 

Sleep-wise, I am chronically exhausted. 

Since April I don't sleep as deeply. I wake up tired. Like having a newborn. 

From her sleeping in my bed, to me waking in the middle of the night afraid she quit breathing. To now sleeping in her bed (since she has moved back to the sleep room) when she is in the middle of a flare up. 

But it's all going to be okay. It's just a season. 

In this season, I'm frustrated. So frustrated. 

I have never felt so let down by modern medicine's lack of understanding about the body. A specialist truly is just that. A specialist. They seem to lack knowledge about anything else but that one thing. 

Western medicine is great. If you are dying. I don't mean that as an insult. I was never promised anything more than what they are. It seems however, diagnostically, they are just as uncertain as the rest of us who feel forced to Google symptoms in order to get an idea of what is going on. (Something I have always hated, but recently feel I have to do.) 

And I am INCREDIBLY angry that I have been treated like the enemy, like just a dumb parent looking for attention. Like I just enjoy going to the doctor so I get a referral for every little pain or ache she complains of. 

Have we had some doctors that I felt confident had covered all their bases could before we left? Absolutely. We have had two. Out of....eight...maybe more. 

But never have I ever in my wildest dreams imagined that I would be talked down to the way I was today. Treated like a liar. Practically yelled at. My daughter being called a liar and being practically yelled at as well. Did I feel confident that he even did the first thing to make sure there was nothing he could do to give her some relief? Not. A. Chance. 

I'm beyond frustrated. My daughter is tired of going to the doctor. She doesn't want to be touched or asked questions one more time. She is tired of hurting all day long, every single day. She is wearing down, and I am just praying that her sweet spirit would just hold on a little bit longer. We are SO close. 

The Good News: 

She has started seeing a functional doctor. Not a naturopath. A functional doctor with a healthcare degree who understands how the entire body works together. 

A functional doctor who spent 2 hours with us on the first visit. A doctor who could look at my daughter's labwork up to now and tell me without a shadow of a doubt that she has an autoimmune disease. Not just that. He is a doctor who is still tracking down which kind so that we know what to watch for. A doctor who has already come up with a natural and gentle treatment plan backed by actual science. A doctor who didn't say I had to buy all my stuff from him. A doctor who finally said, "Yes. It looks like 5 different things, but it's all connected. Here is how." He showed me how. He discussed the WHY. 

I have known it. I have seen it all along, and it was a huge blessing for somebody else to finally see it without me having to say it. A doctor who didn't say, "How odd. That doesn't usually happen to children. I don't know why it happened to her. Oh well." But a doctor who said, "Easy enough. Here is how we fix it. Then we follow up to make sure it worked." 

We have some work ahead of us, but we serve a God who prepared us from the start. It was always going to be okay. 

Living With It

 We are getting closer. 

The answer is almost official. 

In my heart, I know what it is. 

And I fought with it.

My heart has ached like it never has before. 

I've cried. 

I wrestled with God.

I've gotten angry. So angry. 

And it was okay not to be okay. 

For awhile. 

But I'm okay now. 

And I know God will use it for His glory. 

We have hashed this out. 

That fire. The one she was born with, He equipped her. 

And Little S and I. We had this talk. He didn't do this to her, but he has been equipping her. And me. For years. And he has given her a Dad and an older sister that will walk forward with her in understanding.

Her refusal to give up. Her determination. Her fiery personality. Those will all help her to get through her life with a smile on her face. 

When there are days that she is exhausted and hurting, she finds things to do while she rests. She listens to an audio book. She colors. She calls a friend.

Some days I think she is handling this better than I am!

But I'm okay. And I'm ready to learn about the enemy facing us. I'm ready to find ways to adjust. I'm ready to find ways to help her get to remission. I'm ready to fight. 

I'm ready to learn how to parent without fear of the enemy. I'm RE-learning how to allow her to have the space and freedom she has always had despite my concerns. How to not constantly ask, "How are you feeling right now?" or, "Do you need help with that?" 

It's going to be a long road, but I'm moving forward and rising to the occasion. 

God prepared my heart when she was born, and now I have to be thankful for His grace in that and keep moving. 

I wasn't okay. 

But it's going to be okay. 

When she hurts, I hurt. We are just looking for answers.

I knew before she was born something wasn't right.

I knew it when she cried all the time. 

I knew it when she had a mouth full of cavities despite consistent care. 

I knew it when she was allergic to everything on the list at the allergist. 

And I knew it when she had a rare serum sickness like reaction to her first and only antibiotic back in September. 

Now it's May, and I am holding her head in my lap while she cries and asks what is wrong with her. I can't fully answer. Not yet. Because I am waiting for answers. We are waiting for answers. 

Everytime I see her dragging herself along the floor because her ankles hurt, I hurt. 

Everytime I see her sit to play with her friends at church instead of running and jumping, I hurt.

Everytime she won't eat because it hurts, I hurt. 

Everytime she looks at me with those big eyes because she has to take another supplement, another medicine, see another doctor, or get poked again, I hurt. 

Everytime she has tears in her eyes because she is terrified to be away from me in case her legs stop working, my heart feels like it is being ripped from my chest. 

Is this minor? Is it a big deal? Is this going to be a forever thing? Why is the next specialist on our list not available until July? Will we be okay to wait until then? 

Ten doctor visits, one ER visit, three specialist visits, four blood draws, and a long line of tests later. All I have is a partial piece of the puzzle. I'm trying to be thankful for just that. 

I am trying to be thankful in the waiting. Waiting for answers. 

One Step Closer

I hate the Internet. 

I really do.

From the very beginning, I have had to make it a point not to scroll...on Pinterest. Not to be active on Instagram. And definitely stay off of Facebook. 

But when I do....

I always feel about this big. 🤏

Why? 

Because I see all the Moms with so many kids. The videos where they have them walk in a line to show you that they have not 5, not 6, not 7,8, but 9 VERY well dressed kids in their beautiful house. 

Meanwhile, my heart refuses to be content with 2. 

Or the videos that show the crunchy Moms who spend their days on the farm and buy bonnets and pioneer dresses for their 4 sweet girls and little boy, showing clips of them dancing around the meadows and gathering flowers by the creek. 

Meanwhile, my heart refuses to be content with our 3/4 acres inside the city limits of our small town. 

Oh, and the videos of people teaching their children hand crafts Charlotte Mason style with a small beeswax candle burning in the background. 

Meanwhile, I couldn't do hand crafts to save my life. 

Or the videos of women who have a new born, sharing about their birth story, and how quiet and serene and lovely it was. 

Meanwhile, I screamed for the last 6 hours straight and then almost died with my last one. 

How about the husband who looks like he spends 80% of his time doting on his wife? 

Well....Come on. We know that's not true. 

Oh, those ungrateful dark areas of my heart that just refuse to be content with what I have. Lord, scrape my heart clean and start anew. 

Things don't have to look the way they look in videos. My heart, however, does have a longing for a simpler life. A life focused on what matters. And we got them one step closer. And if we got them just one step closer to breaking the generational cycle, I would say it's a win.

Whoever Marries My Firstborn

It hit me last Tuesday that my almost 15 year old does talk to boys. I have always known. She is very open with me. But the boys she talks to at church are 3 to 4 years older and more mature, so I know they are just friends. So I guess what hit me was that there are boys who might want to be actual good friends with her or date her. Most of her guy friends are in her drama group. We meet in passing and they yell, "Sam's Mom!!!" And wave and clap when I drive through to pick her up. But that's about it. 

This past week we had several end of the year activities, and I got a good glimpse of her interactions. (I so often just tell her to go have fun and leave her alone while I mingle, help set up, or take care of Little S.) They were innocent enough, but this boy kept trying to get her to go to a weekly teen event that he attends. He made comments about how he thinks she would do well on chorus, etc. Incredibly nice kid. I know his Mom, and we have all been in the same homeschool group for over 10 years. But something hit different this time, and I thought, "She has no idea he might have a crush on her." 

THEN I thought. 

She has grown so much. She is really, truly mature. Not in just a teenage way, but almost in a young adult way. (She isn't quite there, but well on her way.) 

She has grown to learn so much. About the Bible. About God. And when she has questions, she asks them in such a way that they are well thought out. 

She knows sophisticated things that I never knew as a teen and some that I don't necessarily know now, like the names or each dress style, what colors pair well with what skin tones, how to swing dance, Waltz, do the Promanade....how to properly address and interact with someone for a variety of social situations (whether it be in letter, phone call, professional in person meeting, etc.) 

THEN I thought....Whoever marries my girl will have to be one incredible guy. 

I'm not a good enough writer to put into words how amazing she is, how mature she is, how talented she is, how beautiful she is-and she doesn't even know it. 

I pray often for the Lord to send her a Godly man who loves her like Christ loves the church. That he would send her someone who is a true leader in their household and will protect her. Someone who loves their children fiercely and brings them up to be God honoring children. 

We are in a world where those guys are few and far between, but I pray she is patient enough to find one. 

My Heart

My heart is never so full as it is when there is a car full of kids. 

When there are 5 of them surrounding the kitchen table. 

When there are 7 running and playing outside in our backyard. 

When we have 3 extras on the way to church or 2 extra just spending the night. 

My heart soars when we are asked to babysit over night or even just for the evening. 

For that little bit of time, my house is just a tad fuller than before, but my heart is bursting. 

My heart is never so full as it is when the warm weather comes and we venture to the creek down the road or Farmer's Lake. 

"LINE UP, DUCKLINGS!" is how the saying goes. I spend my morning making 5 lunches, packing 5 water bottles, and 5 towels. (These days, actually, they pack their own.) 

Outshine bars, hammocks, and kayaks are but a few things God has blessed us with to have for these kids. 

My heart is never so full until I have them all with me. Swapping kids back and forth. "Mom is coming to get this one, but Dad is dropping off his off, and then we are headed to pick up one of their friends after that."

God made me with these children in mind and he inclined my heart toward them. 

But all good and beautiful things must come to an end. My heart walks outside my body in the form of 2 sweet girls, and they are being taken far away again. Words can not express the depths of my sorrow to see them leave and the worry I am having to release. I'm trying to remain thankful for the 2 sweet girls that are mine by birth, but nothing will be the same again. 

If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would love them anyway. I have no regrets. Our time was well spent laughing, playing, making memories, and learning about God. 

I am quite thankful for the years I've had to love them. No matter how far they are, that will never stop. They have changed me in ways they will never know, immeasurable ways for the better. My heart was never as full as it was that cold February day when God brought them into our lives. 

Just days after I told my Husband I didn't know what we were thinking having a second child. Just months into my exhaustion-feeling like a new mom all over again. And just one short year after becoming a mom of 2, God gifted us with 3 and 4. I didn't know that's what they would be, but that is exactly what they have become. 

And just so we are clear-If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would love them anyway.

 

15 Years Looks Good on Us

 I entered this one, this anniversary, weary. 

I believe apathetic is the word I used. 

Tired of dragging you up the hill just to watch you slide back down. 

I'd had enough. 

And when I've had enough, a switch just flips inside of me. It's like it doesn't bother me....until it does. 

So I told you. I said I wouldn't do this anymore. And I meant it.  

And you did something. 

It was the beginning of a series of battles to get where we need to be. And stay. It has been hard, but worth it. 

15 years looks good on us because we fought through this one and came out on the other side. A very wise mentor once told me, "If you are in the same place with God when the new year comes, and you haven't grown any, there's a problem." I'd say the same applies in marriage. 

You have grown, and I have grown this year.  15 years looks good on us. We earned it.  

I love that we still love to be together.  I love that time flies by.

 I love all the things we do together, just us and with the kids.  From the very first time we went hiking, camped, or played disc golf, to the last time we explored a new town.  

I love that you call me on your way home from work, even though it's right down the road. I love that you always want to go to the store with me, especially on our midnight runs for ice cream.  

15 years looks good on us when we are working on the deck, cars, or even boats. You are the muscles and I hand you tools.... from 9 at night to 1 in the morning.

15 years looks good on us.  While it isn't what I pictured, I have learned pictures can blind and deceive. Sometimes you have to start all over and rebuild the foundation, which is just what we have done.  The first 14 years with you were a blessing. We have always been a good team, but I am thankful for this 15th year to get where we need to be. 

Just a few short weeks to 16. How do we have a highschooler? Hope have we made it this far? Only by the grace of God who I know is bringing greater things.  

The One Who Made Me a Mom

This sweet face.

The one who made me a Mom....

She turned 13 today. 

This kid right here. 

I love everything about her. 

Even her faults. 

She is the kindest, funniest, and most interesting kid I've ever met. 

Okay. Maybe I'm biased. 

But honestly, I enjoy almost every minute I have with this kid....and we spend almost all our minutes together. 

When I had her, I never considered the fact that I would one day have a teenager. But here she stands. 

We have spent the last 13 years of her life praying, cuddling, laughing, watching our favorite shows, learning, baking, reading good books, taking nature walks, riding bikes, researching her passions, serving, traveling, and participating in community together. 

When I look at her and hear her talk, I know she has grown. So much. But I still see how, in so many ways, she is little. 

The night of her 13th birthday, a friend-who is 15-came home with her from HSP and spent the night. They spent from 10 PM-Midnight playing restaurant with Little S. Man, I love to see the creativity. The menu on the marker board. The costumes. The music they put on in the background. The acting. And I'm glad it isn't over. I am so glad to still have my little girl, even though she is officially considered by our culture to be a "teen." 

I love that kid. I have spent a lot of time getting to know her. And her style. And her likes and dislikes. I love how unique she is and how she doesn't care what others think. She loves festive earrings and funky shoes. She loves to wear a bandana in her hair, but she doesn't like makeup. She is kind, but she struggles to be so. 

She has so many aspirations once she is done with school. She has considered her own business. She's considered unique teaching roles. But most recently she has decided she feels called to be a missionary in Mexico, so she is hard at work trying to learn Spanish, and her Bible of course. She definitely doesn't think she will be permanently leaving home as soon as she is 18, and to be honest, we are okay with that. My Husband and I both love the idea of a multi generation family living under one roof. So we shall see. (We may need to get a bigger house if we are going to do that.) 

So here's to the one who made me a Mom. My first official teen. My child. Sam. 

Our Feet Will Be Dirty Together

I haven't always loved my Husband. 

Is that a weird thing to say or is it normal? 

I feel like we fell in and out of love for the first several years of marriage. 

We just barreled through because we didn't want a divorce. 

Neither of us knew how to do it alone. 

But there was a whole year where I couldn't bare to even look at him. 

Legitimately. 

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Now I have never loved him more than I have the past two years. 

And I know there will be tough years and struggles, but those early days-they are behind us.

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Last week, after a long day of building the coop and working on the truck together, we lay down on the bed drenched in sweat. It was 2 AM and all the kids were asleep. And there we were, with our grease covered feet poking over the edge of the bed-the baby pushing us both two one side of the bed. I was tired and felt disgusting, but I was content, because our feet were dirty together. 

And I am reminded that over all these years, we have not grown apart-but together. 

Our hobbies, our passions, our callings. 

Then I remember what first drew us together.

It was God. He lead this marriage from the start. 

As we shared what we felt were God's callings on our lives at only 14 and 15 years old....I had not idea the twists and turns it would take us to get here. 

June 1st marked 13 years together and I have never felt so heavy the calling of God on our lives and our marriage. There is something about having God in the middle of our relationship that makes me love like I never have before. 

A kind of love that makes me want to wash the dirty feet of my Husband. 

What They Will Remember....

I hope that when my girls are grown there will be some things they look back on and cherish, things that they will remember and want to tell their children. Samantha has spent more years experiencing these things, but Sara is growing up in the  middle of it all. And I am so thankful that over the years, we have been able to learn what it looks like to model our most important values.

I hope they will remember....

-God. I hope that they will remember all that they have learned at home about God and Jesus and his Love for us. I hope that they will remember the history of the Bible that they were taught. And I pray that we have modeled marriage, family, and and relationships in a way that they will be able to live all of them out in a Biblical light.

-The hours and hours we spent playing family games: everything from classics like Candy Land, the less common ones like The Ladybug Game, educational games like Go To The Dump, family games like Life and UNO, and the more adult strategy games like Catan. I hope that they will remember that time around the table together.

-The Living Books we read: from Charlotte's Web, Trumpet of the Swan, Marley and Me, and Pippi. And as Big S grew, heavier books like Number the Stars, War Horse, and A Long Walk to Water. We have laughed, and we have cried. We have empathized with characters, and lived their stories beside them. Big S has fallen in love with the writings of authors like Eric Carle, E.B. Webb, and Lois Lowry. We value the time we have together to lie in bed or on the couch each morning sharing these moments. Little S is quickly catching the Book Bug too. When she wakes up earlier than usual some mornings, she sees me reading my Bible and says, "Will you read to me your Bible?" And she falls back to sleep as I do. Many mornings, I even wake her up by reading, because it is the one way to guarantee she will be in a good mood. How I wish that she would remember these days and cherish them like I do.

-Food. Food seems to be something that brings back memories for all of us. Anybody who has a Mom or Grandmother who cooked or baked a lot will talk about the taste and smell of their food. We LOVE to bake here. There is no doubt about that. Big S has her own baking business, and Little S is the official egg cracker and "Kitchenaid Watcher." We especially love to make foods in the Summer when we have lots of fresh vegetables for cooking and herbs to dry out. The Fall is when we do a lot of our baking-pumpkin cookies and apple pie. Winter time is when we make a lot of granola bars and other filling snacks. And Spring brings on the fruit foods, like strawberry cake! Yum!

-The long days we spend outside: playing Red Light, Green Light out in the rain, rocking in the hammock, and exploring new places. It is even more fun now that we get to see nature again through the eyes of a toddler. Last Fall we went to Elsie for an event, and I had never felt more at peace than I did rocking in the a porch swing watching my girls play together in the autumn breeze. I saw them picking up rocks, looking at bugs, and chasing each other around a tree. I could sit there for hours and watch. And I did.

-The Garden: I doubt they will ever forget the garden, as we plan to keep growing our garden year of year, and eventually making it into a homestead. This year we are adding new raised beds-putting us at 5 beds total. We are adding 1 bee hive. And we may also be adding a small fence with some chickens. I pray that they both will remember how to identify, care for, and harvest plants, and that she will be pass that on to her children. There are few things that I revel in more than watching my girls in nature. Watching Big S get excited to harvest a new kind of plant or seeing Little S look at an observation hive while I try to pick out a bee suit that will fit her tiny toddler body.

-The Community/Service to Others: I hope that they remember the community of people that we belong to. I hope that they will remember seeing others serve us and serving others themselves. I hope that their relationships with some of those in our community will extend long past their childhood. We have had people bring meals after babies, during sickness, and other struggles. We have had a community of people who have prayed hard for us when we needed it most. And the girls have played a part in all these things themselves. Our current church, especially, is a very close knit community. We just began attending the Wednesday night youth group as well, and I pray that the girls will continue to grow up and feel what we did that first Wednesday. The fire going when we first arrived. The individual packets of tea and hot chocolate. The Barn lit up with outdoor twinkle lights. The laughter with friends. The prayer circles. Studying the Bible together. Sharing struggles. More prayer. Time playing in the mud kitchen with friends and visiting afterward.

-The plethora of people in and out of the house: I hope that they remember all the guest we have had. Over the years, we have worked hard to make our house the "place to be" so that people will want to come here and we can serve and minister to them. We also want to get to know our daughters' friends as the girls grow older and begin making friends with kids who aren't just my friend's kids. We have invested in things that will make memories, like a projector for movie nights and finishing the basement. I hope that the girls remember the New Year celebrations-playing board games, Mario Party, and laughing until midnight. I hope that they remember the potluck cookouts. I hope they remember DnD in the basement, as they get to join in on Guy's Night occasionally. I hope they remember the play dates and sleepovers.

These are the things I cherish. These are the memories that I hope to keep going with my grandchildren. These are the kinds of memories that I wouldn't feel complete without.

What brought this post up was a comment Big S made on the way home after Heritage Girls. One of the Explorer Co-Leaders was leading the Gardening Badge and she had planted Basil plants for the girls to put in their herb garden. She walked around the room, rubbing the tops of the plants and telling all the girls to smell the Basil. Big S said she would never forget that smell, as it brings back so many memories for her. So I asked her to name a few more things she would never forget.

What Samantha says she will remember:

-The smell of Basil reminds her of our first really successful garden, of our homemade spaghetti sauce, and drying out our own herbs.

-The time when my sisters lived here, especially the Summer when they were off school. She will remember the playing the Game of Life that seemed to go on for hours, the shopping trips with an overflowing buggy and a super packed refrigerator, the Outshine bars, harvesting zucchini, the sunflower fields, kayaking, and the weekend backyard camp outs and devotional times.

-Camping! The sound of the birds in the morning and crickets at night make her long for Spring to come so we can go camping. She says there is nothing better than waking up in your hammock, and rocking back and forth while you listen to the morning sounds, and the water-if you are lucky.

Alive

I feel so alive! I have not felt this way in at least 2 years. I would say 3 (if you include when I was pregnant with Little S), but I think after I got over the sickness, I was fine again until she was born. That is when I lost my brain. I am not kidding, guys. I honestly think I lost some brain function for a bit. I had no energy. None. Once Sara was born, she was always nursing or crying. When Sara started to get better about it, the girls moved in. I am not complaining for a moment. This is life. This is serving. And I felt so blessed to be a Mom again. I felt so blessed to serve those two precious girls. Samantha now has a baby sister, and built a relationship with the girls that feels like sisterhood. I would not go back and change a thing!

But I did lose brain function. I could barely remember to pack a spoon with my Husband's lunch.

The following 8 weeks or so after the girls left, I was either sick or dealing with severe allergies. Bleh.

The entire time, all my energy was drained. Instead of being able to volunteer "all in" and work on special projects at home, I was focusing all my energy on getting through the motions and of course trying to make sure we still had some fun. (Couldn't make my sister think we were boring.) How I loved our backyard camping and Bible study Saturdays. And our game nights! And movie nights. But I didn't have the same amount of energy I usually did.

The point is, I have not felt the way that I felt the other night for a long time.

Sara is old enough now that I can leave and she doesn't panic. In fact, I can even go to the store alone. Freedom. Going to the store alone is the epitomy of freedom for a Mom!

I can think clearly and hold a real conversation again. I can remember things and get involved without feeling overwhelmed. I get my time with God EVERY morning. I have started new projects, and been researching. Bees. An herb garden. A trip to Florida. I have the energy to get excited about Samantha's projects. We can ride bikes together again. And Sara rides in her little trailer on the back. It is SO CUTE!

Sometimes I feel selfish that I am enjoying this freedom again. But...

When I sit down at night, I don't instantly fall asleep without even telling my Husband good night. It's nice to have time for dates again. To build my relatio ship with God and other people. I don't feel atretched so thin. I feel refreshed. After living the last 2-3 years in a constantly state of auto pilot, I finally have energy again!

I. Am. Alive.

How do you hold it together?

I never saw myself as old enough to mentor other women. But last night, after I was asked this question, I realized I was quickly moving from the one who is always mentored to somewhere in the middle. The one who is continually being mentored, but also beginning to mentor others.

The conversation began suddenly, with a 22 year old girlfriend of one of my Husband's friends. We had met a few times before, but always casual settings, a holiday party, kayaking, etc. This time it was 3 AM on New Year's morning in my kitchen while I was holding the toddler in my arms as she slept.

She asked how long we had been together. "Going on...12 years?" I was rather shocked myself when the words came from my mouth. How could that be right? I had to add the years up. Sure enough. It was correct. I began to look back and think, "How could it be 12 years?" I kind of lost myself in thought, but ultimately came back when I heard her next question. "How do you guys keep it....." *Uh  Oh. Where is this question going? "How do you guys keep it together?" Whew, not what I thought she was going to ask!

I get why she asked. She came into my home, which was very clean (that evening) and complete with running diffusers and a cheese and cracker platter neatly put together on the kitchen table. The air smelled like the ham cooking in the crockpot on the counter. My Husband put his arm around me, gave me a kiss, and told me thank you for helping him host this party. She went down to our newly finished basement covered in nerd decor, and we played games all night. The kids behaved very well, up until crash time at 3 o'clock. This sounds familiar doesn't it? Go to someone's home, see it at its finest, and wish you could attain that level of perfection.

What she didn't see was how many hours we spent wrangling the kids while shopping and how I rushed anound the house cleaning just minutes before they got there. She didn't see us frantically hanging up the posters we had been meaning to hang up for weeks and arguing about the way they should look just an hour before. And she definitely didn't see me begging a headstrong toddler to take her nap so that she wouldn't melt down at 9 PM!

And that is how I knew what I needed to say.

"We don't. We don't always keep it together. Things are great right now. And over the last 12 years, we have made a lot of strides in our relationship. We have both grown as Husband and Wife and definitely as parents. But what you see on Facebook, what you see at social gatherings is only one side of it. You didn't know me when I fought to smile through it when I thought our marriage was over. You weren't there when we were teenagers and making stupid choices. You weren't there when I screamed at him in the basement in front of all our friends, "If you can't stop the drinking, I'm out!" You weren't there when I couldn't stop cleaning long enough to feed my family. You weren't there when I was dealing with anger. You weren't there when there was a spiritual disconnect between the two of us. You weren't there when we could barely pay the bills. You weren't there when we both shed tears because we thought we would never have more children. You weren't there when we finally did have another baby and all she did was cry, leaving us exhausted beyond what we ever imagined possible, wondering how we will ever be able to balance two kids. I can't tell you how many times anxiety has been our downfall. I can't tell you how many petty arguments we had before we realized they did no good. You don't see how we are still working out our relationship with each other and how that looks in conjunction with our relationahip with God. All you see is this. And you go home and think that this is how it must always be for us, but it isn't. Nobody is perfect. No relationship or family is perfect. And you won't always be where you are now. You will grow as a person and if you get married, you guys will grow together as well."

I don't know if it helped her any at all to hear it, but I know I needed to. I think sometimes we all need to. Since Little S was born, I take pride in even the chaotic days, because it means I am a Mom, and I get to experience the blessings as well as the hard times that create growth. But sometimes still, I look at my friends with 5 kids, a sweet Husband, and a spotless house, and I wonder...how they keep it all together?

Hey God, It was good to hear from you..

Hey God,

It was good to year from you.

Your quiet whisper in the night.

Your message on the sign.

That song.

The gentle reminder of what's important.

And simple joys you give my heart.

Thank You, Lord.

I needed this reprieve.

The last few months went by in such a blur.

It was everything we ever talked about.

All that played inside my mind.

And it is still at the forefront.

But somehow, it is different...

When I lean on you.

My patience.

It grows stronger.

My love.

It grows deeper.

My faith.

It goes further still.

****

This is life right now. I feel like I am living it in abundance. I am loving even the challenges. Despite the fact that my 19 month old lost it at the store, God has given me a heart full of patience over the last 10 years. It doesn't even bother me. I'm calm as I hold her close and tell her that we can talk when she is done screaming. Or nurse if she needs to. The stares from others are met with a nod and an understanding smile, as I wait for my child to recenter herself. Despite the fact that it was late when my 9 year old cried herself to sleep last night, over hardships, life, and friendships. God gave me a renewed energy. To stay awake and show my love and listen while she shared her heart with me through the night. For that, I am thankful. Despite the fact that my two sweet sisters have presented challenges to me that I have never handled before, things such as attachment issues and a constant need for discipline, God has given me the emotional energy to set up the tent every Saturday night, play games, do devotion, and laugh with all my girls until midnight. It is worth every second. We have been baking, gardening, playing games, reading aloud, and enjoying nature.

I have always wanted my children to have memories of cuddling up and reading together, eating brownies and drinking homemade lemonade, laying in hammocks together and looking at the clouds, biking trails at the local parks....the warm fuzzies. And although the warm fuzzies  might look a little different right now, I am thankful for the opportunity to share our life with someone else.

I am reading Life Giving Home along with a friend. I'm not too far in. But the author makes a point when she talks about what to do when others enter our homes. Give. We we should give everything to them. Whatever they need in their lives should be provided to them when they are within the walls of our home. Not grudgingly, but joyfully. Tea? Books? A listening ear? What can we do to make others feel like a loved and cared for child of God? How can we let God's light shine through us fully and completely? Do we show our guests scripture? Do we share our life story with someone who needs to hear it? Do we show them what it means to be empathetic, generous, or faithful?

What can we do to ensure God shines through us as brightly as he can?

I've refocusedy attention on purposeful prayer and scripture reading.  I've ditched Facebook, TV, pointless web surfing, and sent over 1,500 less text messages a month. Suddenly, I realize I have the strength, power, energy, and patience to do everything I need to do, and more.

Are you there?

Hey God.

Are you there?

I need to talk to you.

I'm lost.

I feel defeated.

There are days when I have it all together. And then there are days where I forget to tell my oldest good night.

When did this happen?

Eight years as my only living child.

And in 18 months, she is 1 out of 4. She is the least needy of all. She is suddenly like a middle child. And she is learning to lean on herself.

What can I do, Lord? Why am I struggling so? This foundation we have built can't go unscathed if I put it on the back burner another year. How can I do this to such a sweet and understanding child? Am I being selfish?

I regret nothing. But I need strength and understanding. I need wisdowisdom and knowledge.

Show me how to do it.

All.

Amen.

A Year to Be Remembered

A week after the New Year and I am just getting around to posting. Thus is my new life.

Last year was a year to be remembered. Indeed it was. But that is not to say it was without struggle. 

Last year was full of expriences.

-Jessie and I made our first active investment, in cryptocurrency. (I don'tinclude 401K, the house, etc. because we do not have to actively watch and they are long term.)

-Samantha was on swim team. That was a best experience for all of us this Summer!

-Sara camped for the first time. She also went kayaking with us and on vacation. Our first time in St. Augustine, FL.

-We saw our first complete solar eclipse!

-We all went to North Carolina and hiked Clingman's Dome for the first time.

-We started up and tended a succssful
 garden! LOTS OF CUCUMBERS!

Last year was full of accomplishments.

-Jessie finished yet ANOTHER year in school. (That leaves 2 more.)

-Samantha started her own very successful business.

-Sara learned to crawl and walk and all sorts of other things. 

-I kept the Baby alive! 😂 With my own milk.

Last year was full of lessons and changes.

-Jessie was baptized! And and  I saw such a change in him spiritually.

-He learned how to seize the day and not take advantage of those around him.

-Samantha has matured and has such empathy for those around her.

-Sara grew socially.

-I learned to slow down.

-I learned a lot about the Bible and myself. (Through my readings-Bible and extrabiblical sources.)

-My patience has grown oh so much more than I knew it even could.

Last year was full of struggle.

-Our marriage struggled because we had to learn how to be married with limit time to ourselves.

-Jessie struggled with school.

-Sam stuggled having limited time together.

-I struggled not being in what I considered ministry. (And learned "just being a Mom" is ministry!)

But we have overcome!!!

And we are counting our blessings because we were together last yesr and at the stroke of midnight we were holding each other.

And this year is shaping up to be good too.

-Jessie received a significant bonus from work as well as a DOUBLE raise. AND a soon to be promotion.

-He is into his major related classes, and enjoying them.

-Samantha has secured a spot as an "actress" at Secret Keeper Girl, resulting in free VIP tickets for us.

-Samantha is going to be participating in some more grown up activities this year-including tennis and an Inductive Bible Study.

-Sara is growing and maturing and acting more like a toddler.

-God has decided it is time for me to step back into ministry! (And Sara is allowing for it! She will stay with sitters now! Very select ones. But still!)

I know 2018 will not come without its challenges, but I also know that we can overcome and grow from what comes our way.

Happy New Year! 

We prayed for so long, and now you are here...

And it feels like when I talk about You, I complain far more often than I rejoice.

And I feel like I don't have that right.

You were longed for.

Sought after.

Tears were shed for you.

You did not just fall into our laps.

When I look into your eyes, I see a miracle. I see a child that is here by the grace of God. I see a child who has taught me patience in ways I could have never imagined before you came.

So why does my attitude not reflect my gratitude?

Why do my words not reflect the same thing as my prayers of thanks to God?

You may have been difficult in the past, but you are mine. You are learning. You are a member of our family who is so loved by all of us-no matter what.

You. Are our prayers answered. You alone changed our world.

And since you began walking, it has been so fulfilling to see you participate in the family in a way that you never did when you were always nursing.

You are what my heart wanted. So why had it been so hard? Why Does it feel like I am mourning for my lost only child? Why do I feel like some days, I play favorites for my oldest. Why is balance so hard? And will it always be this way?

I Love You, My Child. More than words can describe. I would give Life to you again a million times over. I would give my Life for you in a heartbeat.

Thirst for Adventure

My Husband is an adventurer.

As am I.

We dream of skydiving. White water rafting-down a waterfall. And traveling to Alaska and the Caribbean.

But for now (the next few years while baby S is little) we settle for regular kayaking, ziplining, trips to Florida, and...ice cream shops?

To us, adventure is anything new and last minute. It makes us feel alive to add to add something new to the list of things we have done, even just a new restaurant.

This week we went to Athens to see the totality of the eclipse. It was unbelievable. I would not liken it to a religious experience like some say, but it was breathtaking to see something new God had created.

I won't lie. While the ride down there was fun and we were all happy go lucky, our energy drained after sitting in over an hour of traffic that lead from the exit to the park we were going to. A total of .4 miles. We ended up setting out our stuff at the edge of the park and parking on the side of the road. After a grueling wait while Sam desperately tried to find a place to pee and Sara was trying to consistently nurse because she was hot, we decided to load up and sit in the car with the air on while we waited for the last 15 minutes until totality, looking at the sun-glasses on-through the window. Then we stepped out, watched it-2:30 minutes. One of the longest totalities. It seemed like time stopped at the crickets began their chirping, the temoerature dropped, and the light quickly faded. But as soon as it ended, we all jumped in the car and hauled it ahead of traffic.

My Husband doesn't so traffic. So we took the backs way home, all the way through Tellico Plains and the Ocoee. We went over a mountain, while trying to find food, joking about how all 7 people who live in town must go to the same dentist we just saw standing in the middle of nowhere. Then we passed a sketch ice cream shop. He said there was no telling how much longer we had before we found a good restaurant, so we should stop for shakes

At that moment, everything in me wanted to day, "No. That costs too much. We already paid for gas out here. We still have to pay for dinner...." But I didn't. Because I realized this was our adventure. This is what adventure looked like with kids. It was sweet. And I am just glad he wants to do these things with us. And if he goes before me, I will miss this the most. So I said yes.

The ice cream was delicious.
Dinner was excellent at the Ocoee grill over an hour later.

I tried something new because that satisfies my need for adventure since having a baby.

We arrived back home 7 hours after the totality ended. Where did time go?

Somehow these things help us to not lose ourselves, but to keep who we as individuals, as a couple, and as a family, even if times of adjustment and times that are less than ideal.

I will never say no to stopping for ice cream at an old, run down shack.

Picture in Words

I didn't get a picture of it, but the image is so clear in my mind.

Dark room. At church. Jesus Messiah is playing. And I look over to my Husband who is holding our 9 month old little girl. They are face to face and he is singing while swaying back and forth. She is grabbing for his face. And they are both smiling.

Some moments are too sweet to be ruined by capturing a photo. That was one of them. I never want to forget to look of love in both of their eyes. I am sure one day I will, so I wanted to put it here.

The love he has for our girls and for God makes me love him more than I ever thought possible...

Life Simplified

I got tired of being that Mom that I talked about in my last post, that Hot Mess Mom.

It was too much for me. My brain was always in a million places. I didn't know where anything was. I was always trying to take care of something-the baby, an email, something else I had volunteered to do.

I just wanted to enjoy my girls. Was that too much to ask? We do plan to adopt in the next few years still, and I want my time with these two before we take that on. Sam is entering the 9-12 age. She will need to talk more than ever before, and I am just getting to know Sara.

So I stopped and I simplified. I was already a minimalist, but I got to be even moreso. I cleaned the house out of everything that I said we would eventually use. Homeschool Mom's, you know-all those books and art kits and other activities. It's all gone. Anything and everything extra is gone. If we absolutely need it, we will buy it. We have one set of dishes, two pairs of shoes apiece, dress and outdoor, the girls share all their toys. We don't even have baby tables or seats. Baby dolls, blocks, and a kitchen-those types of things stayed. I got tired of cleaning. I fixed the dishwasher and I bought a Roomba. I let them do the bulk of it for me. We wear our pajamas on the days we are home. It really cuts back on laundry, like a ton. I dont even spend an hiur a week on it now. I just make sure hair and teeth are brushed so we don't become slobs. The baby doesn't even wear clothes on the days we are home. Cloth is too cute. ;) Even the solid prints. We cut out some activities. We now just have church, AHG, Homeschool group, and a kiddie group for Sara. Which sounds like a lot, but not when I don't work and Sam has no school to attend. Church and AHG are weekly and the other two are monthly. I set our calendar up so that play dates are in a rotation and we are not stacking everything into one day. I can't do it anymore-the rushing too and from. Most things are in the afternoon because I just want my girls to have some time at home, to play. Sara is growing all too quickly, and she loves to move. She is crawling, pulling up, cruising. I want to give her the ability to do those things all day long, not stick her in a carseat or the Ergo and lug her from place to place. (Although, she is content to be held most of the time.)

I only volunteer with AHG, and that is because Sam wants me to experience it with her. Besides, she needs to have something that is about her. I am "as needed" for post abortive and abortion minded clients at the Center. And we are about to become more active volunteering in the church, but we will already be there anyway on Sundays.

This is my rest period-a time to read my Bible and learn more about God so I can lead better. A time to enjoy the silence of the morning and during nap time. A time where I don't have a million things to do so I can soak in my girls.

I spent the last 2 weeks nursing my Baby to sleep. No need to be on my phone or balancing the checkbook or going over a list of what I need to do in my head. I could just nurse her and watch her sleep and pray to God and thank him for these children, my Husband, and for my testimony and ask him to prepare me to be flled up for what is coming, because it will be here before I know it. Until then I will rest and learn and enjoy this simple life.