Living With It

 We are getting closer. 

The answer is almost official. 

In my heart, I know what it is. 

And I fought with it.

My heart has ached like it never has before. 

I've cried. 

I wrestled with God.

I've gotten angry. So angry. 

And it was okay not to be okay. 

For awhile. 

But I'm okay now. 

And I know God will use it for His glory. 

We have hashed this out. 

That fire. The one she was born with, He equipped her. 

And Little S and I. We had this talk. He didn't do this to her, but he has been equipping her. And me. For years. And he has given her a Dad and an older sister that will walk forward with her in understanding.

Her refusal to give up. Her determination. Her fiery personality. Those will all help her to get through her life with a smile on her face. 

When there are days that she is exhausted and hurting, she finds things to do while she rests. She listens to an audio book. She colors. She calls a friend.

Some days I think she is handling this better than I am!

But I'm okay. And I'm ready to learn about the enemy facing us. I'm ready to find ways to adjust. I'm ready to find ways to help her get to remission. I'm ready to fight. 

I'm ready to learn how to parent without fear of the enemy. I'm RE-learning how to allow her to have the space and freedom she has always had despite my concerns. How to not constantly ask, "How are you feeling right now?" or, "Do you need help with that?" 

It's going to be a long road, but I'm moving forward and rising to the occasion. 

God prepared my heart when she was born, and now I have to be thankful for His grace in that and keep moving. 

I wasn't okay. 

But it's going to be okay.