Mother's Day

I don't do Mother's Day. I say it every year that I don't like it. And usually I take this time to vent about all the reasons I hate it. But not this year. I was just laying in bed thinking of how miserable Mother's Day last year was. I had accidentally planned a camping trip for MD weekend. And I thought, "Perfect! I can get away. I won't see FB. I won't have to deal with other people." It was a nice few hours. DH and I laid in our hammock together. We played in the water with S. But shortly after it went down hill when we realized we couldn't get to our campsite because we had a flat and no matter how many times we inflated it, it wouldn't hold air. We had to get towed. And the truck would only take us to the bottom of the mountain. He didn't have the tools to change the tire. We couldn't get family to come bring us our four way and jack. And finally we found a man across the street who let us borrow one and my Hubby fixed the tire. We got home late that night. Although, we did enjoy a nice dinner together at Wendy's! But of course the other thing looming over my head was my complete inability to get pregnant again. I had absolutely no idea that the following "Mother's Day" I'd be 15 weeks pregnant. I used to think if I got pregnant, I'd like Mother's Day again. But no. This year Hubby is out of town on an annual trip he takes to a 3 day concert in North Carolina. It just happened to be MD weekend. Say what you will. Call him a bad person. He has had so many people get on to him, but....it really doesn't bother me. When I say I don't celebrate, I mean it. I didn't even tell S what today was. There is no catch. I don't avoid it and secretly hope him and S will do something big. The reason I don't need it is because I have 364 other days a year that they try their hardest to make me wholeheartedly happy no matter what it takes. They deserve a day off. No pressure. So I give them Mother's Day. You know, because DH is busy trying to please his Mom and I'm trying to make sure mine feels like she is loved enough on Mother's Day too. If we threw me in the mix, it would be all sorts of insanity. So back to what I was saying, I thought back on our journey to TTC. I'd say it started with my abortion since I know in my heart that's what made it so hard to have more. And I think of all the years...what pregnancy and children has done to us and for us as a couple. From bringing us closer when we had S. I mean, true, it was hard at first, but I think we lasted because we had more to lose. Then what happened with Lucy tore us apart. It ruined what relationship Jessie had with God. And it made J think he had to eternally please me to make up for it. Which lead to us TTC. Such a long road. A hard road. A road of anger and blame and a road that also brought positive aspects like our closeness because of his willingness to do whatever it took.(I promise I give in other areas. He isn't the only one trying in this marriage.) The money he sacrificed on supplements and would have sacrificed on surgery had I wanted it. The 110% he gave when we began our adoption journey. The years he supported me, and still does when I would speak and publicly admit to my abortion and my inability to have more. The times he watched me cry-at least 3 days a month. All of this for me. Until the month before I got pregnant. I had been on my enzyme therapy 3 months, about the average time it takes to work, 3-6. It is a natural method. I had lost all hope. We were trying to adopt but not trying to prevent pregnancy. I thought doubling our chances would be nice and that God would allow whichever He wanted. DH and I were going on a date that night. He had a recently restored relationship with God and had even been facing the realities of what happened with Lucy. He had apologized. Truly apologized for the first time. And we were just going out to talk about those things. Our goals when it came to adoption. But a few hours before I received a call,telling me he wanted us to have another baby. Odd thing to say 4-1/2 years into trying. But I knew what he meant. Now HE wanted it too. And I know I've told this story. And I'm guessing by now, you know how it ends. But, I look back at all those years. Those ups and downs. The bitterness, but the Faith it built. I remember nights where I'd say, "I KNOW you have a child for us. You TOLD me to get pregnant. You TOLD me to not let Sam be an only. You gave me this burning desire to have another, when I was perfectly fine not to. And YOU TOLD me NOT to use Western Medicine. But here I am. I have nothing left to give. I've exhausted my resources. Nothing is working. Nothing is making a difference." I just remember being so sure. But then I remember being so confused when we both fully felt lead to adopt. I thought it couldn't be. I was SO sure. It shook my faith a little. And I tried to justify it by saying God just wanted us to try so long so he could lead us to adoption. But two problem. I wanted a baby, but felt lead to adopt an older child. And the kicker was that DH AGREED to that. Then a few weeks later, I had a friend, who had also been trying 4 years, say to me, "I'd love to adopt, but I know in my heart, God has a baby for us. And I will get pregnant." (I was pregnant at the time and didn't know until the next day.) But what she said....I thought,"I feel that way. But I give up." I was torn. I felt unfaithful and dirty. And boy did I feel even worse when I found out the next day. That I have up on God right before he showed himself. Since then, we have prayed and feel both are the direction for us to go in. And we have talked about how amazing blessed we are to have waited. Because so much was done in us during that time. (Heck, back when we first started trying, DH was more lost than ever. He was drinking with his friends every weekend. He was going through depression. It came out when he drink. He'd talk about how it hurt that he missed his Dad. He talked shot how he regretted what we did and could never make up for it. He was on medication at one point and slept a lot.) Had I gotten pregnant then, I'm not sure we would have made it through my first trimester. It was ROUGH! I'm not sure he would have been mature enough to handle work and a little house duty too. But he juggled it well, and he made sure S felt special at the same time since she was so used to having me all day to herself. Sam handled it VERY WELL too! Lots of change, but she recognized it was necessary, and it would pass. They are just so amazing. Both of them. They really are. Sometimes I secretly fear this baby won't fit in with us, but I know it will. When you grow up around 2 people as amazing as them, you just soak up the awesomeness yourself. Naturally, as I've mentioned several times in my posts, I have fears that this won't go as smoothly and basically as I dream and that something will be wrong or that we may even lose the baby. And we have talked about that too and tried to prepare ourselves to lean on each other if that does happen. And I'll just have to b remind myself of the last 9 years and what a difference each child has made. Even if they never saw this world. I'm not sure what this ask has to do with Mother's Day. Somehow it all tied together in my mind. But this is what ran through my head as I lay staring at the ceiling really. This morning. To the rest of you who do celebrate, even if your children aren't here today, Happy Mother's Day.