I remember - not even a year ago. Sitting in the same spot I am now. My Blogging spot. Tears streaming down my face. And asking God WHY? Why would he do this? Why do I have to go through this? I've repented. I've used my child's story to help Him save lives. Yet women who have had 3, 4, 5 abortions can never regret or ask forgiveness, and they can start a family in the blink of an eye. What could He possibly have me waiting for?
Last night I was talking to my Husband. He was telling me how in awe he is that Lucy's life has saved lives and how, on the days I feel the most down, I should think about how not only has she saved more lives than one (thus making the impact that she would have made on this Earth just as great if not greater) but that she brings people to want to find Healing and find God. I get it. I really do. I told him that pain has subsided. I Miss Her. But I know she is gone. She feels far from tangible now. The part that sucks is not being able to make that decision anymore-to build a Family. The decision so many other people can make without a thought of not being able to have more. And I can't make that decision.
And he looked at me and said, "You told me you asked God what he had you waiting for, and you have still failed to see the answer. A Husband who loves God more than he loves you-which he thought was impossible. A Husband who can be there for you like he should have been the whole time because he is no longer stuck in his past hurts and mistakes. A Husband who can take our child and the child we adopt (which I am actually excited about now and not just doing it because I know it is what you want) and I can help lead them to God too.
Silence. On my part. I knew he had pinned me. He's right. But now God will keep us in our waiting period while we look for the child He made for us. And me, being the human I am, I'll question Him. Especially if it takes longer than my liking. I'll try not to, but I will.
After yesterday, my Heart and desire to adopt an older child (as well as a younger child) opened up even more. I love children. They are innocent. They are funny. If you sit and talk to them like they are the only person that matters at that moment, they will tell you all. And they have all this knowledge. All these interests. And emotions. They are just brilliantly designed by God.
And I have this friend who lives right down the road. Her kids are just angels and we love them very much.
We co-op with them every week, doing something different. Yesterday was math games. While the older girls played, the 2 year old sat beside us, putting together 2 piece puzzles with colors and numbers. And OH! Did I long for those days again. Teaching words and colors and letters. I thought, I would give anything back to have that. A toddler sitting in my lap while we sing songs and make shapes with our hands. That was the first part.
Then when her oldest daughter asked if she could come with us to watch Sam swim, I said, "Let's go!" (Of course after obtaining Mom's permission.) Then I got my brother and away they went.
A car full of kids. Everytime I get that opportunity, I physically feel such a Blessing. They were just talking and singing and joking. And there was so much laughter. Life felt FULL. I could feel my own Joy overflowing the entire time. They were older so they are no issue to juggle. And while Sam and my brother swam, we talked. About everything. Especially about getting her signed up for swim. And she shared all if her fears and excitements.
After swim, I took them to Little Debbie. Just seeing them run after each other and laugh until they got in the door made my heart soar. Maybe I'm weird. But there is so much I have learned to be thankful for, and that is one. Laughter of children.
I long for Sam to have a relationship with a sibling. Once I got past not feeling like we deserved another child, I almost immediately began battling that feeling that she needed that relationship. It saddens me to think that we won't be alone all the time. But school time will be more fun I think. Playing games together. Learning from each other. And sending them off to build Legos for the rest of the day. Jessie and I have put some plans in place to juggle the alone time. It will get done. Bedtime is where it is at. We do room time instead of sleep time, but it is still the perfect opportunity. Enough about that I guess. We will get there soon.
A few updates:
Last week I went and dropped off 95% of my papers (flyers) to get the word out about our desire to adopt. It included a cover letter asking them to keep our information on hand, a photo of us, and a profile letter. (Like a very miniature form of our profile.) I struggled taking them to OBG/YNS. That's why I say 95%. The rest were churches and places like Choices PRC. They aren't supposed to keep our info. But since I work with them and they know me, they said they will keep it on hand in case of a "God thing." (Occasionally they have women who come in saying they will abort because they don't want to go through an agency and don't know a family that would raise their child.) Between the lawyer and Choices I think we have an okay shot. Someone will surely see our profile in the next few months and at least 6 people over the next year. However, they may not choose us. We also talked about going agency or international and calling it a day. I know it is EXPENSIVE, and we are going to give it time with fostering to adopt, but even that isn't guarenteed.
Speaking of fostering to adopt, orientation is the 22nd. Woo Hoo. The first set of training hours should be the next week. And our home study shortly after. We are almost prepared for that too. One more big project. The back porch. And a few small ones like a cat door so the litter box is inaccesible. (And it'll smell nicer.)
As far as international goes, at the beginning of March there is an interactive exhibit on children growing up in developing countries. It is through Compassion International. We signed up last night. I think it is important to go to for a few reasons: 1. To support our friends who are beginning the process of adopting internationally. 2. Because we are considering it. and 3. So Sam can see the reality of how some children live. (Foster children included-and that's one reason she is also attending our training with us.) If she is going to live with someone who has been through horrible tragedies, she has to understand it on some level so that she can accept certain behaviors.
And while we are on the adoption subject, my heart is absolutely in the clouds because I go to a newer church. They are still trying to follow God's direction for them. They have a foster family attending there. And I think another family that has adopted their grandchildren. (Maybe. Don't hold me to that one.) And since we began attending, we have decided to adopt. Our pastor knows our story. And our friends that attend there are looking to adopt. Out of 15 or so families, that's a big interest in Life. And Life, I told my Pastor, should be the mission of the church. Life before birth. Life after birth. Life in accepting Jesus. Life for the hungry. Life for the ones who feel no Hope. Life for all genders, races, and tribes. He told me that is where he sees the church going. He wants to do a series on the importance of Life and view it from ALL aspects. He asked me (and Jessie) to speak/do a Q and A and I believe he may do the same with our other families who have the Passion. My Husband got butterflies at that request. I told him God is pushing him. He doesn't have 6 more years. He needs him NOW! (Although, he has spoken more freely about it recently and he is already helping to carry out the healing and forgiveness to men. And that's all I have to say about that.) Along with that, they are looking to start missions for foster parents in the area. Baby sitting nights. Support groups. Etc.
These days I find myself more excited about adopting than getting pregnant. I've actually found myself never looking at the calendar, counting days, or temping. I even speed my supplements. It's a good feeling. I turned to my Husband last night and told him thay at one point, I accepted that we will always be a family of 3. But after the last month, I don't know what to expect. We literally just hit our mid 20s. We never know what will happen. We could be a family of 8 one day. Even if it is a family grown by adoption instead of birth like I'd imagined.
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