It has been awhile since I posted. It usually is long stretches between because I stay on the unschooling blog so much. But lately, I haven't posted on either one. I did, however, post on one post on my new one that I will explain later.
jessieandbrittany2007.blogspot.com
So much has been changing. I've been stepping back and watching in sort of a daze as God works through both (me and my Husband) lately.
I want to make it clear that I Love my Husband and don't want to be with anybody but him. He is my comfort zone. He encourages me and supports me in all that I do.
But he struggles in his relationship with God because he lost his Dad at 9 years old. After our abortion he felt further away than ever. Unworthy. It was hard to watch him go through that, but I had to trust that God would take care of it. I prayed for him daily and I continued to try to show him the joy that Faith can bring. I had come to accept our lives would continue on in this way until God was ready for him-probably as an old man. That was the only area of our lives I was only somewhat content in instead of fully content - trusting The Plan. And still - it was so big to me, that I couldn't ever just forget it. So I was just Silent. Still. And Patient.
One day I told my Husband God had given me a picture of us speaking together one day - for Life. Sharing our story as Husband and Wife. And that I could never let that image go. Of course he laughed at me and told me that wasn't the kind of person he was. But he would come and listen to me when I do speak.
All I had to say was, "Oh Jessie, God is going to do a work in you. You have no idea what he has in store." I knew it with all my heart that he had plans for him and for me together as Husband and Wife. But I didn't know when or what.
Then it began.
I guess I should say it all started this February when I made a new friend and we spent months planning on how to get our reluctant Husbands together. We just knew they would be besties. But between his traveling work schedule and my Hubby working weekends all of August, it didn't happen until Fall. And when it finally did-shortly after they met-her Husband asked mine to visit their church. Not wanting to be rude, he decided to accept and we went. It was the first church my Husband ever attended that he wanted to return to. (Although, he kept placing the "blame" on me for "wanting to go.") I allowed him to do that, but the reality was that I had found a home church I loved. I just felt it was my duty as a Wife to follow my Husband where he leads.
The Sunday before we left to look at Christmas lights in Gatlinburg. We were sitting in Church. Nothing relevant was mentioned when I began to think about bringing up adoption to my Husband. I struggled with it. Not wanting to do it because I knew the answer. But I felt like maybe God was telling me to do it. And I couldn't ignore that. My Husband got a little frustrated and defensive when I asked him. He said he wanted me out of his head. Long story short...God had spoken to him too. At the exact same time. It was undeniably divine intervention. Not a coincidence.
Fast forward to about 2 Sundays ago. My Dad came in town to celebrate Christmas, so we planned to miss our regular church service. No big deal. We really are terrible church goers anyway. But when my friend mentioned her 5 month old daughter was being dedicated we talked my Dad into going. (Not that she invited us but we are nosey people. ;)
We sat through our normal service and laughed when appropriate. Said Amen a few times. And as part of the Advent season, our pastor told us to really think about our salvation before partaking in the next part, and then we took communion. Well, I didn't. I dont believe it is actually the body and blood so I struggle with taking it as symbolization. My Husband didn't take it either. He was praying and appeared to be crying. But his eyes usually watered after church because his contacts he says.
He stayed inside after church while his friend spoke with him and I walked outside with my Dad. I'm glad I gave him that time because I later found out they were speaking about a "building disciples" class that his friend was leading and wanted Jessie to be one of the two men in the class.
It seemed to be one thing after the other when finally, that night, while walking through the dancing lights he said to my Dad, "Jason, how did you know you were saved?" And after my Dad answered he turned to me, "How about you?" We talked for well over an hour about what we thought it meant to accept Jesus. And how he had walked down the isle and prayed the prayer as a teen, but he didn't feel saved.
After my Dad left, we stayed up for hours talking about all of it. But the heart of our subject was, How was I able to get past our abortion? How is that I could accept that God forgave me for that ultimate sin? I told him of some of the verses that brought me comfort during my Save One study and told him some of the things that have helped me and women who have studied under me to understand the depth of God's forgiveness. He told me he was sorry and he wished he would have said it a long time ago. It was a major step for him. To say he was sorry. To recognize that he felt unworthy to God. To realize that it couldn't go away. He revealed to me that he has ignored anything and everything that had to do with it for the past 6 years aside from hearing me speak the first time. He said he ignored the bible verse I displayed on the wall above our bed Jeremiah 29:11. He said the first time I said the word "abortion" he kept thinking, "We don't say that word." He said when I talked about statistics he ignored them until that night when I told him 1 in ever 2/3 women have had one. For every woman, there is a man. He was stunned. He was outraged. And when I told him of the women who have come in and heard our child's story and chose Life, he was inspired. And hopeful. And he felt that he could turn this into God's good and make a difference. And the first step to that was completing a recovery study and going through the steps. He made the decision to share his deepest secret with his friend I mentioned before who has offered to lead him. And he did.
He told him. The first person he has ever spoken to about it. He said all he felt was shaky and sick to his stomach and he couldn't stop rambling. But when it came out, he said the weight was lifted. And he didn't feel like it controlled him anymore. His friend accepted him and he told him we all make mistakes.
And my Husband told me when he came home that he wished he could be like me. That he could share his story and stand for Life. It was then I knew God had started his work.
He has a long way to go. He brought some books home about how God speaks to us and a study Bible that he said he loves. He has been reading and deeply studying then daily.
Now some people say it is beating a dead horse talking about it as much as we do. But although abortion does not define who we are, it is the reason for every big decision we have made in our lives the past 6 years.
Including our recent decision to adopt. We spent the next week discussing our options and we settled on independant adoption. We found a lawyer, made information cards, and a full profile, as well as the blog that I posted a link to earlier.
Hubby is so excited. He says every time he holds a baby he just can't wait any longer. He is ready to have one in the house again. He is ready to see our Sam as a big sister. He has come so far in such a short amount of time and I can only imagine that it is God preparing him for what is coming. Even if it isn't adoption like I believe it is.
Everything is going somewhat quickly and I can see myself going through the motions. Making our portfolio and cards, spreading the word....it is happening so quickly. And we are all just along for the ride. I never imagined us going through with something like this. I always wanted to adopt but I imagined that Jessie would never agree to such a thing. And not only did he agree - he is looking forward to it. I can't wait to see what happens over the next year. I have such a big prolife Network-based pray it happens sooner than later, but we sha'll see.
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