I Need to.
Because nobody fucking cares that you got pregnant after trying for one month. Nobody fucking cares that you knew right away. As soon as you conceived. You just had a feeling. Whatever. Nobody cares that you think you are Fertile Mertile and that conceiving actually takes any real talent beyond just knowing how to have sex. Nobody cares that you think you are so cool because your kids are only a year apart and they will be best friends for life. But I must be a failure because we were hoping to be pregnant by time she was 4. And now she is almost 7.
And maybe I have said all this before, but I will say it again. How shitty of a person do you have to be to ask me a question like, "Are you pregnant this month?" and reply with something like, "I wonder why it is taking so long. I mean, once we decided to have another one it is like I blinked and I was pregnant. Too bad we didn't get a lot of time to enjoy trying to conceive." Yea. Poor you. Must be terrible to never have to look at a stick with only one pink line. How terrible it must be to never worry if you will have another child again. It's a cruel world. I bet you were real disappointed that you got what you wanted without having to wait.
Now I'm not saying we have it the hardest. In fact, I praise God every day that I even have my beautiful daughter. (Some people don't even have that.) And I thank Him that she is healthy and safe. I thank God my Husband is so open to having another one (I know He change my Husband's heart because for so long we were both so set on no more because we both felt we didn't deserve another. But somehow He opened our hearts at the same time.) I know we have been far beyond Blessed. And I will never stop being Happy with just what He had given me. But I am human. And it is still a struggle.
For years now, I have felt like God was calling us to have another, but then when he didn't give it to us right away, I wondered why. Then last Tuesday on my way home from Bible study, God silenced me. He told me this IS what he wants for me and my Husband. That what we are doing is right. BUT I have to trust Him. And he told me go just be content in where we are. He wants me. He wants all of me. And right now he wants my focus on Him. He wants me thanking Him and continually asking Him like I have been. He wants me to focus more on serving Him and less on worrying about His plans for me. He wants me to focus on my Husband, who I know will be super needy as soon as we have another. (Yes, he is like my little baby sometimes. He needs constant love. And I Love that about him.) So that is what I am doing. I'm leaving it up to God. I'm chalking this up to an experience. A lesson. And I will have to see where it goes from there.
But again, IT DOES NOT HELP FOR YOU TO SHARE YOUR FERTILITY SUCCESS WITH ME WHEN I'M ALREADY STRUGGLING ENOUGH!!! WHAT WOULD POSSES YOU TO THINK IT WOULD-HONESTLY?! It is not like I'm pouring out my story on random strangers. No. In fact I don't really pour out my story on anyone. I share bits of information sometimes. But again. Not with strangers. It is to family. And close friends. But my own family can't even discuss it. They avert their eyes and say, "Oh. Really? Hey. Did you see in the news where that woman drowned her four kids." No. I didn't. But thanks for reminding me that God allowed a woman to have 4 kids just to kill them. But I-who is only asking for 1 more-and will love it and cherish it as much as I do S, can't. Thanks. (Now I empathize with people like that. Don't get me wrong. I can't imagine the horrors she had been through. Probably abortion. Or worse. And I could just as easily be in that position, suffering from post partum and no idea what is going on with me. Etc. Etc. But I don't need to be reminded.) My friends have been a bit more helpful. But still. Some just don't have the right words. They just don't. (For example, "I have always had an easy time getting pregnant." Again. Thanks.)
And I know it isn't something people want to talk about. Especially when you can't relate. (Another reason I try not to bring it up every 4 weeks when I'm feeling down.) I have a hard time relating with people who struggle from drug addiction. Divorce. A friend of mine is dealing with immigration for her Husband. It's hard. I can't understand. But I listen. And I don't brag about the fact that my Husband is already a citizen. We all need that friend. That understands. I need that friend. I guess God is trying to force me to learn on my Husband on this one. He is the only one who truly understands my pain. How guilty I feel about the last child God gave us. How sad I feel that something might be wrong. How much it hurts to hear those snide comments. (Because he gets them too. "If you were a REAL man, she would already be pregnant.") He has had to comfort me more than one night, crying myself to sleep over the mean things people have said.
Seriously. It is never helps to make comments like that to someone who had been trying so hard for so long. One year of trying. One year of trying not to try. And now. Another 7 months...I get up every morning and take my BBT. I take 12 supplements a day. 4 at each meal. I make sure to eat as healthy as possible and during the "2 week wait" I don't schedule anything strenuous like rafting like I would love to do, but don't want to chance it. Heck, I don't even wear tight pants if I can help it. It shouldn't be so hard. Nature should do is thing. But it's not. So no matter how akward you feel or if you don't know what to say, SILENCE is ALWAYS the better option.
The End.
On to better things.
Update: I know many people feel awkard about what to say when I talk about us "trying," so really the only place I have to lay it all out. Every detail. As much as I want to say is right here. On my blog. It listens. Of course I ramble to my Hubby. Because he knows I need someone. But I know a large part of him just doesn't quite understand why I'm so giddy about the maternity clothes I just bought or the cloth diaper deal I found.
So two updates. A lady on CafeMom just told me months ago how successful she was with all her pregnancies the same month she turned to Bee Pollen supplement. She has told me this a few times in the past, but I always thanked her, yet ignored her because the little research I did on it revealed that it was for women over the age of 40, to improve egg quality. So I continued on my Vitex. And again, later on, she commented on another post and said Bee Pollen. I did more research and it revealed there are also high doses on of Vitamin B and all the necessary amino acids to create and sustain Life! Not to mention, it increases sperm count in men. Well I still didn't take it. I absolutely detested the taste of the fresh bee pollen we bought from the farm last Summer. And honestly, I didn't realize they sold it in capsule form until the other day, while trying out the new WalMart Market...there it was. On the clearance real right at the beginning. In clear sight. A whole bottle of bee pollen capsules for $3. I bought it. And Hubby agreed to take it too. If THIS doesn't work, along with all my other supplements and LOTS of prayer, it just isn't meant to be....But fingers crossed it does.
ANOTHER thing is...today at yard sales, I came across a Medela Advanced Double Breast Pump. Now, I bought a Medela and pump a few years back. I figure with being home and all, I wouldn't need it much. Just for occasional use for sitters and such. But once I saw the price on this bad boy, I couldn't stop thinking about all the milk I could pump and store for donation, emergency, first aid use....ah! Plus gotta be prepared in case I have to go on a trip or if the baby is in the NICU-anything. I looked at it-even though I didn't think I'd actually buy it. It had all the pieces. Right down to the instruction manual and extra sticker membranes. Everything. So clean. So new looking. Top of the line pump we are talking about here. Only thing it doesn't do is hands free, and you can buy a bra for that. It had to be MINE!!! I talked her down-easily-from $50 to $40-and It. Was. Mine!!!! I brought it home. Turned it on. It works like a dream. I think I may pump when we have another baby just because I can. If I would have had this after I had Samantha I would not have hesitated about pumping when she wouldn't latch. That is definitely one plus side to the fact that conceiving is taking FOREVER. Definitely have lots of time to shop and find the great deals I want. The only thing I have left is the baby hammock and a carseat. But both must be purchased new. So I will wait until I am actually pregnant. At least I know I can make all my money back on this used stuff if I don't get pregnant...if I could ever let it go.
I feel a little better now that I have vented. And got to talk about my news - even if it is to myself. I can sleep now. Who knows. MAYBE this could be the month.
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