13 Months

It has been 13 months, er um...cycles actually. Based on our past "history," I should have a baby that is anywhere between newborn and 3 months right now! Or at least be pregnant. But I'm not. Jessie and I are starting to get discouraged and wonder if something is wrong. We sat Samantha down last night and told her we are not sure if God wants us to have another baby. She seemed okay with it. But you could tell she wasn't excited. She loves babies and has been looking forward to having "her own baby sister" for a year now!

Afterward Jessie and I talked some more. We decided we need to make a decision. 1. Stop trying. 2. Keep trying like we have been. Or 3. Go to the doctor. Yes, I realize we could stop "trying" and just let whatever happens happen. But to me it is black or white. Plan it or don't. I have to put back money for a midwife. I have to know how to accommodate, keep that baby room set up, or don't. Keep the baby items, or don't. Etc.

We have decided if we stop trying, we DO feel complete with Samantha...As complete as we will feel without Lucy. We Love it being us three. Sam is getting older and we have a blast together. It is so...peaceful all the time. And we always get to focus on her. Never miss a thing. And as much as I would LOVE to raise another baby, with newborn stage and especially the fun, wigging,  dancing, discovering toddler stage, I'd be okay if I didn't get to. I just worry about Samantha. However, she has Brennon and Rowen to be close to growing up. Having a sibling does NOT guarantee you a BFF for life. Although it does kinda guarantee you someone to cling to when things happen on the family unit, like moving, death of parents, etc.

If we keep trying, there will still be a chance. :) But I am going to get worn down from it not happening. And that keeps me from focusing on important "things," things that do exist. Samantha. Jessie. My stuff at the Center. I tripped up on my speech the Sunday before last because my mind was wondering elsewhere.

Doctors. I don't do medical intervention. I just don't. But I would like to know for sure if something is wrong or not! We don't have insurance though, so that would be a large monetary investment that may or may not yield answers. And I will not take Clomid or anything. It would be get pregnant myself , with God's blessing of course, or just not at all.

It all comes down to this: I don't want Sam to resent us for being an only child, but we have changed our minds. We feel complete.