I don't get it?

So I am two days late, so I took a test and it was negative. I got a little more expensive one and took it yesterday afternoon. It was negative, but AFTER the 10 minutes it was a positive. And I figured it couldn't be an evap. line since it was blue and evap. lines are supposed to be grey or yellowish. But I figured it was false because it was blue dye. So I got some pink ones and took one this morning. Again. Negative. But I don't get it because I have been sick. I haven't thrown up, but anytime Jessie just rolls over in the bed, I start to feel sick. And I am constantly hungry. But it has been so long since I was pregnant with Sam, I am not sure if it was the same kind of sick/hungry feeling I had with her. But I don't feel like I am about to start at all. 


Eh. Idk if I want to even keep trying after this. Maybe I was right. Maybe Sam is better off as an only child. I know I sound like I am being impatient, but it is more than just that. Sam says she wants a sibling, but by time we actually get pregnant and have another one, she will be 5 years old. She might just be irritated by a baby. I just see it being a lot harder to get time with just Sam if we have another. And I am not sure how she will react to that. I see a lot of things being harder. Thursday nights I help remodel our new church building and Jessie keeps Sam, and they just chill. What if the new baby isn't as laid back as Sam? Or what about family outings? Could I keep up with two kids? I mean, Sam would be almost 6 or so by time "the baby" could walk, but I mean, could I really truly pay attention to two? I am a one track mind kind of person. But then, it would be nice for Sam to have someone to play with. Because, while she is the center of attention most of the time, when we go out to eat and stuff, it is just Jessie and me talking, and she just sits there quietly. I guess she feels left out, but when I ask her to talk, she just spits out something random and that is it. She stops. And if you took Sam out of the whole picture, not to say if we didn't have her, but if she didn't matter, based on yesterday I am kind of scared that Jessie isn't as ready as I am. He just seemed nervous when I told him about the test. He had told me awhile back that he was excited about it, but now I just think he is nervous. (Which is so weird because when I got pregnant with Sam we were so happy. We just jumped up and down and cried and we were just so excited. But now that we are stable and ready, he seems nervous.)


Maybe I am just not in a good mood. Maybe in a few days I will change my mind again. I am just frustrated...