August

So Jessie and I hardly ever argue during the year, even like stupid arguments. We just don't. Not to say we have a perfect relationship, because we do not, but we just don't have anything to argue about. 
BUT, it's August. And August always puts us in a bad mood, both of us, and we don't even know why. But I just realized why. Lucy's due date was in August. August 21st. She would have been 2 years old this year. So the last few nights, all we have done is argue and cry. And argue and cry. Jessie says he doesn't understand what is wrong with him because he is never like this, but I know what it is. He gets the same way around the time of year that his Dad died. Only, it usually isn't as bad because it has been so long. And we aren't BOTH in a bad mood. And it only lasts a few days. Generally, the last 3 years, this has lasted anywhere from a few weeks to the whole month. This is around the time last year that I started having problems with cleaning. I am off my medicine now, so I worried it will start back again. So I am trying to stay out of the house. And tell myself stuff like, "It won't be perfect because we are in the process of painting. And I will make things perfect as we paint each room." Sounds stupid, I know, but it's what I have to tell myself. Ugh. We haven't even celebrated our anniversary, which is also in August, and we probably won't because we just don't feel like it. And I haven't cried about it in months. I am usually able to say, "Wow. Look where I ended up. I Love being at the Women's Center and having a purpose, to help the people there." But lately I am just like, "I don't want to go. I want to stay home." Which, I force myself to go, but...I don't know...On top of all that, I am still not pregnant. And I am not sure I want to find out if I am this month anyway. Talk about guilt...I just wish this month would end.