I can't believe it is that time of year-AGAIN! I have plenty of resolutions. The only thing I hate about resolutions, however, is that I hardly remember what my resolutions were by the end of that year. lol. Well, here goes, hopefully this year I will remember them.
Well, as you guys know by now, I have been taking my Zoloft for about 4 weeks now, and I think slowly it is kicking in. I still have good days and bad days, but I have stopped panicking as much. So here is my resolution for that. I am spending the next few days before the new year getting the house just right. Organizing even more than usual. Scrubbing it down. Carpet cleaning. ATTEMPTING to clean the walls, but it is flat paint!...I have a habit of going through the rooms in my head and saying, "Okay. This one and this and this one are clean." And I will know they are clean, but for some reason I think I missed something, and I will go over it again and again and again until I literally drive myself into panic mode because I feel overwhelmed and so I start cleaning for hours and hours. SO here is my goal, with the assistance of the medicine for now, and therapy, lol, I decided to ONLY think about the rooms ONCE a day, first thing in the morning, and that is it. That way I can clean before Sam wakes up. I also made a cleaning schedule that I am going to try my hardest to stick to. It includes the basic daily cleaning like sweep, mop, vacuum, dust, dishes, laundry, etc. And then monthly I can scrub the house down and get the dirt out from under the stove or clean the base boards and walls. I also think what comes along with getting control of this is I will become a MUCH better Mom. I will have more time for Samantha and I won't constantly be saying, " Wait until I finish cleaning this, Baby." If there is one thing I can accomplish this year, I hope that it is this. Sorry for the long explanation. This is just very important to me. I have carefully planned out what I need to do to accomplish this, and I hope it happens because I just want my life back. Who cares if there is a little dirt on the floors?! I would rather play Hungry Hungry Hippo with Samantha and Brennon or lay down to a movie with Jessie! That is what I want, but my head keeps telling me something else...
As you three (Christina, Erica, and Jessika) know by now, Jessie and I went through a real hard time after Lucy. I hated him so much that I couldn't even look at him for almost a year. He wasn't allowed to touch me and I slept with my back turned to him because I cried myself to sleep every night for a long time. I told you guys the truth because I am tired of keeping that secret. I am very ashamed of it. I know it was wrong, and I wish it hadn't happened. I also know there is a reason for everything. Anyway, Lucy's 2 year anniversary is today actually, and I honestly thought what progress Jessie and I have made was going to go down hill from here, but it hasn't. It has actually gotten better! I am learning to understand why he can't talk about it. Although, I have dragged it out of him little by little. I am also learning that the past is the past and he isn't the only one at fault. He has been super sweet lately. He went to Lucy's memorial with me and stayed with me. He didn't write a note to leave this time like I do, but like Jessika said, "Baby Steps." He has been nothing but nice to me and pretty patient with my cleaning. And last night he came home and told me to get Samantha dressed because we had somewhere to be. We dropped Samantha off with a sitter and he took me out to dinner and a movie-out of nowhere. So, with all that said, I want to try to start over with him. I hate that every time I start to become happy with Jessie, I start to get angry with myself because I feel like I shouldn't be. We have been content at points, but it was more like we are two people who live together than anything. I want to be MARRIED again. Being angry with him isn't going to help anything. So here goes nothing. It is going to be hard to let go, but I have to. Sorry for the long explanation again.
Like Christina, I want to start taking care of myself again. I have been so busy cleaning that I haven't even been keeping my nails clean. I hardly brush my hair or get dressed decent. Sometimes I even skip a shower to clean the washroom instead. And I wasn't only neglecting my physical appearance, I wasn't sleeping at night or eating either. I have been miserable. The past few days have gotten better. I bought a nail kit and a Ped Egg. lol. I bought a new brush and some new hairbows. And some new clothes! And at income tax time, I have money set aside to get me and Jessie both some brand new, nice clothes, a whole new wardrobe, because neither one of us has anything that fits. Everything has holes in it or it is worn to pieces and strings are hanging off of it. (I would have set some money aside for Samantha, but she already has a TON of nice, boutique clothes, with the tags still on them (bought from yardsales), waiting for next Spring, so she is set.) I want to wear nice dresses and skirts like the ladies in the 50's wore. But they don't sale that style, so I am settling for the sweater dresses and tights for winter and spring dresses for the warmer months. :) I just want to look nice again.
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