It's Time

 It's Time. 

We are finally doing this. I have felt a tug on my heart for almost 20 years of my life. It wasn't just a tiny tug, but a deep need to do something. An option I don't have. 

In 2004 I was in 6th grade when I read A Child Called It. It never left me. 

I lived in a world with little exposure to anything outside of the school day or what I saw on TV. Although I wasn't a big fan of reading, three books changed my life in a profound way. 

1. Rachel's Tears showed me what it was like to have a deep relationship with the Lord. It exposed me to the reality of the world, and ultimately started my journey toward exploring homeschooling as an option for my girls. 

2. Purpose Driven Life. I do not remember the book, but I do know that many of my life's choices to live with purpose were deeply rooted in me and only grew more and more after reading it. 

3. A Child Called It. I read the entire series. I had never heard of child abuse, and I was absolutely horrified by what it was and what kids go through being in foster care. 

God whispered to me then and there that something had to be done. 

Then I met a young girl in 8th grade, Nicky. I was at a sleepover with a friend, and she happened to be there because her parents were visiting with the Mom. She was maybe 5 or 6, and she told us that she was being abused. She showed us her bruises. My heart shattered into a million pieces, but at that age all I knew to do was love her that one night that she was with us. We did face masks and gave her lots of hugs and cuddles. I still have pictures of her in a photo album, and I think of her often. That night something touched my heart again. I don't know what happened to her, but I pray she told the right person and was removed. 

In 2007, I meet my husband in 9th grade. As we talked about our future, I told him what God had called me to do. (You gotta warn a fella so he knows what he is stepping into.) 

He agreed, but as a teen, something like that seems so far away and surely nothing that needs to be thought out now. We had our oldest daughter in 2008. (She was planned. Both my husband and I were looking for more in life than what we had.) We got married. In 2009, I had an abortion with my second child out of fear that if anybody found out we would end up homeless and lose our oldest daughter, and it rocked my entire world. I became fragments of who I was. As I walked with the Lord to pick up the pieces, he put me back together better than I was before. I became passionate about post abortive women and spend the last 15 years working with them. (Not as impressive as it sounds because getting a post abortive woman to step forward and be ready for healing is TOUGH, for obvious reasons. Therefore, I might have seen one a year.) 

We went through infertility issues when we tried to have another Baby. I thought for sure God was punishing me in one of the most painful ways he knew how. We went to DFCS to apply to foster in 2012. We were told we were too young. (And to be fair, we were.) We went to a private foster care agency in 2014, attended orientation, and they told us you can't foster to adopt. (We did not realize this was specific to this agency and that you can foster to adopt only through DFCS.) We submitted an application to adopt privately, and then in 2016 I found out I was pregnant with my youngest. Her timing was so perfect. She added so much joy into our family, and if I'm being honest, many trials too, due to her various health issues over the years. In 2018, when my girls were 9 and 1, we took a kinship placement with my sisters, who are oh so very precious to me. They day we met them they clicked with my girls. Bear because she was a baby, and who doesn't love a sweet baby, and Big S because she was around the same age as both of them. In 2019, they went to live with my/their. Since then, we have been helping both of my parents separately with their kids. 

But now they are grown (or almost grown) and have their own lives, as is our oldest daughter. Jessie and I sat down to talk about dipping our toes in with respite care (which turned into the possibility of emergency foster care). We did an orientation, and then Little S's health issues flared. We agreed to help her get better first. (See my previous blog. Praise God! 🙌) Then we submitted our formal application. 

And it is Almost Done! We sent in all our paperwork, did our initial home visit, got TB tests, CPR Certifications, currently finishing up our NTDC Training this coming week. Once we complete that, we have 4 weekly home studies which are pretty in depth, and then we will be licensed foster parents!! We can switch between what we want to do daily. If we have an emergency placement we just feel God is calling us to foster, we can call and say, "Hey. Don't worry about finding another home for this child." If we decide God is calling us to adopt a child who needs a home, we can tell them that too. They have you go through ALL the steps no matter what so that you can do all the things without having to go back through the process. 

God has grown us over the years and cultivated our hearts for things at just the right times. When we got married, we didn't know what we were doing. We didn't even have the same dreams. At some point, I don't even remember when, we agreed I would stay home with Big S. Then when she was 2, we agreed homeschooling was right for our family. But Jessie didn't know what he really wanted to do for work. If he wants to go back to school. I didn't really know how I felt about much of anything beyond homeschooling in general. Somehow, over the years we grew together and not apart. We have many of the same preferences, views, and dreams. However, our love for children has bonded us together the most strongly. 

God did not call me to have a large family by birth. He just didn't. For various reasons, that has been made clear to me, and for many years it shattered my heart and made me feel like less than other homeschool families. Everybody around me had 4, 5, 6 kids, and I wanted nothing more than that. But I couldn't, and that is okay. Fostering was always something that I KNEW God was calling me to, but it never was time, and I kept wanting to make it time. That is not how it works. He has prepared my heart over the last 20 years to love children that aren't mine. And I don't just mean through foster care. All along the way He has been teaching me and showing me what I need to know. The things he prompted me to study (brain development, trauma, MY BIBLE). The people he has put into my life (The Church). The opportunities to love other kids. (I think I am #1 person to contact for babysitting. Maybe because I stay home. Maybe because I say yes. I am not really sure. 😅) And honestly, the lessons we learned during our kinship placement in 2018. 

I know it will be hard (from my minimal experience), and what those children are going through is absolutely horrible. However, I am anxious to see some of these children grow and to see what God does in their lives and ours. It's almost time.