Tuesday: It is time. Time to close this chapter of my life. To stop hoping I will get pregnant "this month." Or over thinking it and changing my mind a million times. No more holding on.
So tomorrow I am going to the doctor. And I am not sure what they are going to say. I'm not even sure what I want them to say.
On the one hand, if they find something wrong, I will not have to keep wondering. I will be able to say...."This is why."
On the other hand, if they don't find something wrong, then I may never know.
One thing I do know, I feel God pulling me, calling me, to be a foster parent. I can just hear him, calling me. I have toyed with the idea off and on for years. When I was younger, I said I always wanted to adopt. I still do. But there is something about fostering, I suddenly feel that I am being called to take care of a child or maybe children (one at a time though, please) without a...Home. A place that they are taught about Jesus. A place where there is Love and Morals. A place where they can be safe. Where they can have someone to teach them and assist them in the areas they were neglected, from catching up on reading/math (Yes, we would Homeschool our foster children too. I think it would be very beneficial to him/her.) to being able to cope with feelings, etc. I was gifted with the ability to lead and teach children-just not in a classroom setting, and I want to use that gift.
I have been thinking back to all the steps leading to this decision over the past 13 months. From the birth of my Niece. To buying the house. Our decision to try for another baby. (Jessie taking me to the baby isle in WalMart and saying, "We can have another baby." Which I thought was an amazing change of heart-for the both of us.) Finding Peace snd Healing through my Bible study and even through trying to have another baby. It made Jessie and I more open about Lucy and our feelings toward what happened and how we felt about trying to have a baby after knowing what we did. Not being able to conceive. Changing our minds a million times about what we wanted. (Thanks for your patience, those of you who I texted everytime I changed my minds.) And now...trying to find out-Why? and How? And..."What is next for us? It is scary, but it helps to open my eyes to the fact that God is leading us through and incredible journey, walking us through each step, and we sometimes don't stop to enjoy each step because we are so worried about getting to the end. But we will never get to the end in this lifetime. We will just keep going and going, searching for what is the Big Plan, instead of all the little pieces that are parts of The Big Plan. Maybe we should say,"What is now? And what is my next step? Lead me, and I will follow." It is scary, and sometimes it will hurt, but in the end, it will all be worth it.
Wednesday: I went to the doctor today. No confirmed diagnosis, but I did speak with a nurse and have an exam. She says it sounds like I have Endometriosis. The only way to 100% confirm it is with exploratory surgery through a Laparoscopy, and this Momma does not do that. It took everything in my being to get the initial exam. Depending on the severity, which they won't know without the surgery, then we could possibly still conceive. It would just take a very long time. And if it is severe, then we may not be able to at all. But we will never know. Either way, Jessie and I have discussed it. We are done actively trying to have a baby and we do not plan to try again in the future. But the door is most definitely open to Fostering, so I am happy with that. I will be going to talk to DFACS some more soon. (We have been in contact off and on over the last month.) We want to find out what else we need to do to qualify. But we want Samantha to be at least 6/7 by the time we take in our first foster child, that way she will be older and more understanding. Samantha, I KNOW, would do great. Listening to her talk and watching her around others, I just know she will be an amazing caregiver. I have seen her sit down with other kids her age and tell them what she has learned about God. And anytime another child is crying, weather it is at church or at the playground, she will go talk to them and tell them it is okay and hug them and offer to pray with them if there is a problem. (Like being scared or sad about something.) She is really growing up on me. :) Not to say she doesn't act the same way most 4 year olds act. Sometimes she misbehaves. She wants her way all the time. She gets whiny. Etc. But she really is gentle and kind and I know that her personality will continue to grow as she does, as long as we keep encouraging it. We will have a choice of what ages we would be comfortable taking care of, and I am thinking at first, baby/toddler, until Sam gets older. Again, that is 1-1/2 to 2+ years away. We are doing what we can to prepare now, so that I can start taking that one step at a time...Letting things take time, because everything takes time.
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