Today I am thinking...

Just want to warn everybody, this is a lot of me whining and getting frustrated and paranoid and whatever else you want to call it. And some of it probably doesn't make since. Not a fun read, so you may not want to read it. I just really really really needed to vent. 

So instead of today being like, "Oh my God. Sam is a big sister. Holy crap. We have tons to do!" I am like, "For real? I totally thought with me being sick (which I still feel sick) and ridiculously tired, that I would be pregnant." I am definitely not going to go into the whole back story of last night's events, but it is really discouraging. I know I have said this before, but with Sam it was like zero problems. It took 3 cycles with her. No problems after I got pregnant. Heck, I didn't have any problems until she came out and I hemorrhaged. But that was me not taking my iron pills.

So that is it. Jessie and I discussed it last night and we are going to start trying even harder. (As awkward as that sounds.) I am going to the store today to get prenatal vitamins, a better thermometer, all the "goodies." He is starting to get just as discouraged as me because he is wanting "his boy" now. 

It is just disheartening that once we want another one we try and try and try and we can't! And on top of that, for awhile now I have been having these horrifying dreams of ultrasounds. It is still so hard for me to watch ultrasounds, and worse, to hear the ultrasound machine. So bad that I have considered not getting an ultrasound if and when we have another one. They're just these terrible dreams and I can't wake up from them. It is really starting to get to me. 

Thinking Negative: 

1. It should not be taking this long. 

2. I am tired of waiting. TTC is not fun anymore. Just stressful. 

3. If I cannot have more children, there is nothing in this world that will make me stop hating Jessie. 

4. I am read to give up, quit trying, quit buying baby items, quit reading about it, and getting my hopes up, because then I get all excited and then I get all down when it doesn't happen. It isn't fair to Sam for me to be anxious and or depressed for the two weeks following ovulation. 

5. Sam will hate me forever if I took her only sibling she will ever have and then couldn't give her another. 

6. Lastly, TTC has brought up all these new emotions. I thought I had dealt with everything already, which I guess I had at that point, because these emotions that would not have popped up had we not been trying for another...If any of that makes sense...So now I am having to deal with all those at the same time. And what if, after it happens, I have an even harder time bonding and taking care of the baby...That is common...But...anyway...These are all rational fears to me because I know they happen a lot...

Thinking Positive: 

1. These things take time. Take a different approach. 

2. God has a plan. Cliche, but true. The timing of when we have another child can make a HUGE impact in the lives of everyone around us. 

3. If we can't have more, then that could open up the door to adopting sooner. 

4.  I know they say quit trying and it will happen...Maybe try that approach...but that is hard! But I seriously need to quit reading and such and Googling all day long, questions like, "Is _____ an early pregnancy symptom?" It is getting me nowhere, and I am losing precious time with the child I do have. 

5./6. Sam will love a brother or sister at any age. (However, it isn't really an age factor. Now it is an...Oh my God...Can we not have kids now? And I know it hasn't been long enough to start freaking out, but considering my past record on pregnancy, etc, it is easy for me to start freaking out.)

Vent. Over.