Living with Abandon

 I have duped myself

Into thinking that I have been living a life in full surrender to God. 

That somehow I had mastered the artful balance of having no fear, but doing whatever God asks of me. 

After all, we fostered my sisters that we didn't know. 

After that, we helped them into adulthood. 

During all that we loved all the kids around us, went to church, lived a life of "sacrifice" homeschooling our children. 

But....All while holding back and having boundaries and plenty of rest in between. Time for trips, puzzles, games, read alouds, and occasionally laying in bed for an extra hour in the morning just to get snuggles from my youngest and catch up with my oldest. 

We own a nice home, our only debt. Have money in the bank so we don't panic when something goes wrong. Three cars, albeit old.  (I told myself I am a very content person, like it was a saintly quality.) I'm somewhat of a minimalist that has created an excuse for the things we do have. (It's for ministering from our home...) I spend my time organizing and thrifting to fill the house with beautiful items to make it feel more like home. But it always felt like something was missing. 

I prayed. Oh, I prayed that God would show me what he has next. I prayed for my Husband to release his own will to God and for my oldest to open herself up to what He has. 

*I thought I was doing so well letting my teen go, by the way. She got her license. She is dual enrolling in school. She is getting a job. I drop her off with friends and let her go out of town over night with friends that I'm not necessarily BFF with the parents...I never wanted to hold her back from learning to be an adult. To produce the anxiety in her that I have from a lack of experiences.*

Still, we got....comfortable. 

Then it happened. I called my husband while we were at Summer Camp and told him I had a dream. That he had to choose between being at his incredibly comfortable job (with a 401K that puts in 4X what he does, with free healthcare and doubling his HSA dollars along with almost 6 weeks of vacation time) (It is an absolute dream, by the way.), and what God had for him. 

His response? "That's weird. I had a similar dream. I went to the QT and had to choose between a honey bun and a bear claw." 

So very out of character for him, and honestly I wanted to cry. But I just cried out to God and ask him to change his heart. 

Two days later he did. And here I am in a puddle of my own sorrow because of it. How dare I feel sorry for myself? After all these years of begging God to move us out of complacency. 

My grandmother passed away less than 12 hours after we got back from camp. 

And the ball began rolling. He felt God pressing on his heart. Then the interim pastor spoke on Agape love. Do you know how many sermons we sat through that I thought would reach my Husband's heart (Nevermind the fact that I should have been turning the mirror to myself sometimes.), but they never did. And then this one, that seemed so simple and had been preached on so many times in our church walls...it struck him hard. 

He told me he needed to live with abandon and stop using church hurt and boundaries as an excuse not to. 

I was thrilled until...

This next part that has been a long time coming. Now my oldest daughter and my one and only husband of almost 20 years are headed to Honduras in a few months and I am scared out of my wits. 

When I think of the dream I had just a week or so before, I feel sick to my stomach, "God, what do you have for us? I will do anything but _____." 

How can I say I have lived a life of sacrifice after I attempted to bargain with God (don't do that 😅) that if my Husband would just live a life of complete abandon for God, I would follow him anywhere? 

Now suddenly I don't want him to lose his cushy job. I don't want to have to move. I don't want to go anywhere that I don't feel safe. I don't want my family away from me. I want control. 

That is where I am. God has taken my biggest fear, travel, and is using it to change the hearts and lives of my family, and I am going down kicking and screaming. 

God is having me make good on some other things I have prayed about for years, but also never considered the sacrifice it would take. 

This is hard. This is going to be living a life of sacrifice. I do not want to be found disobedient and unfaithful for the sake of my comfort. Oh, this is going to be hard.